I'm All At Sea
by walkthatlonesomevalley
Summary: Faking It AU inspired by Deadliest Catch: Karma is a greenhorn and Amy has to help her learn the ropes… Frustration, tears, and undeniable physical attraction ensues…
1. Chapter 1

_*deadliest catch/faking it au where karma is a greenhorn and amy has to help her learn the ropes… frustration, tears, and undeniable physical attraction ensues…*_

_*DISCLAIMER: I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CRABBING OR CRAB BOATS! SO YEAH, LOTS OF BULLSHITTING WILL DEFINITELY BE GOING ON IN THIS FIC!*_

**Chapter One**

**I'm All At Sea**

When her parents decided mid-year to move to the east coast and invest in a boat, Karma wasn't expecting that change to actually last long. They left her with her quiet Aunt Winnie in Austin and Karma spent many lonely years feeling completely abandoned and unsure of herself with no other siblings to keep her company.

Now, years later, Karma Ashcroft is nowhere near settled in her new life. She wants nothing more than to belong to someone again and be a part of her parents' lives. She feels like an unwanted burden on her Aunt Winnie and there is very little happiness in her own personal life. All of her connections seem to fall short. And she mostly irrationally blames herself for all the things that are, and have always been, beyond her control.

After their last voyage, the Ashcrofts actually flew down to see Karma. It was a departure from their usual behavior of only coming down for Karma's birthday. They wanted to know how she was doing and they were beginning to feel that need again to have their daughter inseparably close. Something in their recent lives had made them soft until they actually quite yearned for her.

Aunt Winnie had always been a more stable parenting choice. She didn't dislike Karma but she was reclusive and never interested in having a child. Being financially stable and having the will to stay in one place had kept Karma in Austin with her Aunt Winnie instead of off adventuring with her parents. But her parents had gotten a rude awakening recently when they loosely took-in a stray girl.

At the time it had been the best option to leave Karma in Austin so that she could have a stable upbringing and make friends. But now Karma's parents were starting to see that Karma could be happier with them. They needed each other in a way, though they spoke little about it up until this very day.

"Your father has looked into it all," her mother said.

"You can do your school-work on the boat, and on the off-weeks! It can be just like before. We can all be together."

Karma hadn't thought about it. What would it be like to live on a boat.

"But doesn't that sound dangerous?" Karma asked.

"It's not as bad as you'd think," her father smiled. He was used to driving the boat and running the crew. He was used to the long rough voyages and the trips that either did or not yield profits after all their time and hard labor. He was enjoying the sea life and so was his wife. The only person who wasn't enjoying it was Karma. She had been ditched for a boat. Ditched for her father to play Ahab somewhere out in the vast New England Atlantic! The more she thought about it the more she was beginning to hate them. But they had come after all and they wanted her to be with them. They figured everything out. The only downside was, did Karma really want to live on a fucking boat?

She wasn't sure. She wanted for things to be normal but her life had never been that. Even when her parents lived in Austin they were off all the time, during the week and on the weekends, gone at late nights, holding bon-fires in the backyard with tons of older people who were either overly distant or overly nice. Karma couldn't take it. No matter what she always felt left out.

"I guess it'll be fun," she smiled kindly. As much as she knew her parents had always fallen short, she also knew that she missed them so much when she was stuck with her Aunt Winnie. Aunt Winnie barely talked, it was like a non-guardianship. Karma started to feel like one of her Aunt's many cats. Just there and breathing, ignored almost completely as just this thing she would surely have to feed.

Aunt Winnie's house had been too quiet and Karma Ashcroft had been much too sad. Nothing seemed to help. If she didn't try the boat she'd hate herself forever.

"Maybe I can do with a little adventure," she decided. Her parents could always insight hope in her despite the many times they had let her down.

"We have a girl, ya know," her mother said. "I can't wait for you to meet her, she's like the daughter we never had!" It was a bad choice of words.

"But I'm your daughter," Karma laughed awkwardly as if she really had to remind them, they were there after all.

"You know what I mean! She's not like you, she's different."

"Is that good or bad?"

"Both," her mother said, taking her hands in her own and smiling up at her, missing her with all of her heart. "We'll be the only boat with 3 women on board! Your father and I were so excited when we realized what we could do."

"So this other girl? How old is she?"

"She's like you, only 15. She's had a tough life, we forged her papers."

"And she works on the boat?"

"And she home-schools," her mother added. "She's emancipated from her parents. There are issues there. She ran away. We always bring up the thought of adoption but it makes her nervous."

"You want to adopt her?"

"We're basically her guardians, unofficially. Who else will care if we don't?" It was a strange thing to know. But a simple thing to have come about. It had all to do with timing and none to do with being in search of a new daughter or anything like that. "She lives with us on the boat. We feed her and pay her way. She's quiet but odd and she's got secrets just like everyone does."

"But she earns that money." Karma wanted them to notice that. They weren't paying her way if she worked her ass off as a child laborer on some crack ship run by careless hippies who knew more about gardening than they did about seamanship.

"I know, but you know, Karma, dear, people need more than just money."

"So you love her?" Karma asked, confused. Why were her parents home-schooling some other girl her age. And why would they even think about adopting when they had a child that they just ditched somewhere off in Texas? Karma was so confused… She held her head in her hands.

"Oh sweetie, we love everyone, you know that."

"Yeah… sort of…" Karma grumbled, feeling even more abandoned than she did five minutes ago.

"It's not what you're thinking. She's not your replacement, so you just shoo that thought away," her mother said nervously, almost angry at Karma for being able to think such a horrid thing.

Her father came back to the table with drinks. "What'd I miss?" He asked, noticing Karma's pained expression.

"I was telling her about Amy."

"Amelia?! Funny one!" Her father laughed. "She's like me in a lot of ways." Karma sat back in her chair and instantly regretted the thought that this voyage could actually work out.

"What if I can't work? I've heard it's hard." She tried to focus on the simple things.

"If you can't work, we'll make do." Her father said. "But Amy can work and we'll pay you honey, we've been wanting to get in a little fund for you but the winter's been tight." They'd been working in brutal conditions and their boat was in no way even close to being paid off. If Amy could work, so could Karma. They were sure. They just wanted her to actually want it. Forcing something like that on a child would be so very wrong.

"If you work, we can pay you at least," her Mother was trying to cheer her up. Aunt Winnie had mentioned how withdrawn Karma had been. It killed her mother to know it. She wanted Karma to be happy and they had thought they had only done good with her but they were wrong.

"When can I come?" Karma asked, almost resigned to it now. She wanted to cry and scream and fight and give up. All of her options were sad. All of her options left her feeling more alone than before. She just wanted to be close to someone who would acknowledge her. If she was stuck on a boat her parents would have to see her at long last.

"We're shipping out in two days," her father said.

"Wow," Karma let out a gasp. They hadn't given her any time. She was either going or she wasn't.

"If you need more time you can wait until next month," her mother added, soothing the pain in Karma, the pain that she noticed they had caused.

"No, it's fine. Home school sounds good." Karma decided.

She would be living on a boat. At least for a little while.

That night Karma had a horrible dream of a rocky boat on a terrible sea. It was all empty with just her inside. She had an essay to write but she couldn't even find a pen. Water was leaking in all sides and all she could think was BUT MY ESSAY! I HAVE TO FINISH MY ESSAY! She awoke in tears. She was glad to be leaving Austin but scared of the great giant sea.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

**Like A Warm Drink, It Seeps into My Soul**

**Part I**

The flight was horrible. Rocky in every way. She packed a large bag for the boat. Her whole life in one suitcase. Leaving Winnie was awkward and strange. She couldn't tell if Winnie actually cared, she could never tell. She often wondered if maybe Winnie was just like her, inside herself, beside herself. Was Winnie abandoned her whole life? Destined to live alone? What she wouldn't give to know but to ask would break every rule they had silently made. She'd never ask.

At the airport she was excited to leave the plane. She thought for sure her parents would be waiting just there outside at the gate. But when she walked through the doors she was met with only strange faces and none of them smiling.

She carried her purse with her and almost hit someone with her body before a hand stopped her from her walk.

"You're Karma, right?" There was a girl, a blonde girl.

"Oh shit," Karma said, realizing, she hadn't even thought about it.

"What?"

"Are you Amelia?" Karma asked hopefully. She hadn't thought about it but her parents were rather careless. They would send a stranger to pick her up. They would do that.

"Amy," she said, sizing Karma up and noticing the girl that she would have to room with on the ship and get to know and tolerate.

"Hi," Karma smiled. Amy was beautiful, she hadn't expected it. She had pretty blonde hair and eyes that could capture any boy's attention. She may have dressed like a bum in torn jeans and an old ratty sweater that was probably bought at a thrift store, but she was pretty, she really was.

"Hey, I'm supposed to take you to the boat." Amy was sent on an errand, nothing more. She'd heard little things about Karma, the daughter. But what she had heard had been minimal and it hadn't been enough to make her curious since her own life was filled with sadness, rejection, and mostly hurt from those closest to her.

Amy grabbed her wrist and turned to lead Karma away.

"Hey, now," Karma smiled, taking her hand away and rubbing her wrist since it had hurt where Amy grabbed.

"Sorry, I wasn't sure…" Amy said. The whole situation made her nervous. "I'm not used to people."

"I heard," Karma said, she couldn't stop staring, she really couldn't. The more Amy hid her eyes, the more Karma wanted to see them. "You're pretty," Karma said. "They didn't tell me that."

"I'm not." Amy blushed but she was angered. She knew she wasn't pretty. What was with this girl telling her strange things?

"You are though, your eyes are…" Karma didn't mean to make her feel uncomfortable. She just wanted to talk and be with someone, anyone, make a connection. And Amy's eyes were pretty. They were like, _whoa. _

"I don't have time for this," Amy scoffed, walking off to baggage claim. Karma followed, rolling her eyes. Why was everyone always in such a hurry to get away from her?

She walked behind her feeling small again. It didn't help at all that she had dressed up for the arrival. Behind Amy she was wearing her dress and her heels and feeling like some fancy idiot, all dressed up for nothing.

"Are you coming?" Amy asked, once she realized how far behind Karma was.

"Yeah, it's just," Karma felt like crying. She slowed a little and got down on her knees. She couldn't help but panic just a little. Amy watched her struggle with her heels and she noticed as tears began to escape the pretty girl on the floor.

"Whoa," Amy said. "Look, I'm sorry," she approached her and got down on her knees too. Her hands flying up to touch her and console her but stopping short in their own fear.

"No one cares," Karma said, burying her face in her hands right there on the ground. Watching her break, Amy saw a little of herself. She let her hands drop onto Karma and she felt her.

"Shit," Amy cursed. Karma fell into Amy's arms and began to cry rather fiercely. "Shit, look, I'm sorry."

"It's not you," Karma breathed. It was that her parents couldn't even bother. She'd seen them for four days out of the past two years. "It's not you," she repeated, feeling all that pain and neglected.

Amy held her as she cried. Karma felt lost but safe in her arms.

"It'll be fine. I've got you," Amy said, thinking of her own past and her own life and the many times she had cried in the arms of confused but patient strangers from one town to the next. "I've got you," she repeated, taking in the smell of Karma's auburn hair. She rest her lips on it and felt how soft Karma's hair actually was. She shivered in the closeness and the touch. She hadn't anticipated such an instantly strong bond with this girl she had never intended to really know.

**Part II**

"You'll sleep with me tonight," Amy said. She had been staying on the boat even when it was docked. The Ashcroft's didn't' charge her and it was like having security. Amy rarely went to the house that was on land. The house where the Ashcroft's stayed on most nights was a real house with real walls and a solid foundation that never swayed.

"Don't you think I should go to them?" Karma asked, feeling wrong.

"They didn't come for you," Amy reminded with an intense knowing stare. She didn't want to be a jerk about it but it was the honest truth. Why was Karma fighting to please the parents that didn't give a fuck about her? Amy was seeing herself in Karma and it killed her just a bit. Amy's parents had been shit ever since they found out the truth about her.

"Why are you alone?" Karma asked.

They were walking on a dock before sunset. The light was almost gone and the boat swayed on the water. The surrounding was scaring Karma just a little with its abandoned state and its eerie quiet way.

"I'm alone because I need to be," Amy said. It was a lie.

"You're not alone though, are you?" Karma smiled, realizing it for a second.

"I guess you're right," Amy smirked, feeling that girl as she inched her way in. "Come on, weepy," she said, wishing she had a better name for her, one that didn't sound condescending or unkind. Too her Karma had already seemed sweet.

"And you'll never let me forget that, huh?" Karma asked.

"Probably not," Amy smiled, following Karma up onto the boat and locking the door.

"It's nice," Karma said, looking around once on the inside.

"It's not bad, I've seen better." Amy wasn't talking about boats as much about lives. "Come on, let's go to bed." Amy said, wanting for quiet and calm and a day that wasn't filled with memories and tears.

She grabbed Karma's hand instinctively and realized how strange that comfort instantly felt.

"I don't know why I did that," she said, stopping and looking down at their hands. She felt suddenly wrong or nervous and took her hand away.

"It's okay," Karma smiled, falling close to her and taking her hand herself as if to prove it to Amy, that she wanted to touch her too.

"I dunno," Amy shrugged, taking her hand away slow and rubbing it almost strangely with her own fingers just to feel herself.

Karma felt it too though, that want to be close. She felt it in the dark, in the night, on the boat where they were alone. There was something interesting about them both together, something surprisingly similar.

"You're usually alone, aren't you?" Karma asked.

"I am," Amy sighed, realizing it after thinking it normal for such a long time.

"Me too," Karma said.

"But you've got parents," Amy reminded.

"Yeah, parents who've been here with you."

"Oh," Amy realized. She hadn't thought of it that way, somehow. "Shit."

"Yeah." Karma said. "Shit."

""What was it like, where you were?"

"Lonely," Karma confessed. Amy had led her to a small room and hovered near a bunk bed, she was holding nervously onto the metal railing of the bunk bed, hovering awkwardly there unsure of how to act. Karma wasn't sure which bed to take but the bottom looked abandoned and made so she just sat there to choose.

"I know a lot about that," Amy nodded, avoiding her eyes.

"It's not really fun," Karma sighed.

"No, it's not," Amy agreed, shaking her head.

They shared a look, something about that conversation felt both warm and dark, and more honest than they were used to. It was like hugging, only not. Amy turned from her, breaking her stare. Karma watched her kick her shoes off and hurry up to the top bed and lay down.

"And this is how we'll be," Karma said, lying back, once the creaky bed had calmed down with Amy's stillness.

"Yup," Amy sighed, knowing that Karma was lying on her back beneath her, almost right under her in fact, just there.

"I think I like this," Karma said, she wasn't scared of the silence but she was craving Amy too much. "It's like having a sister," she smiled.

"It is," Amy laughed. She hadn't thought of it that way. She almost had a sister once, before the fights. "We better sleep," she said, feeling cold with all her memories.

"I don't know if I can," Karma confessed.

"There's a TV in the common room, if you're bored." They had a VCR and tons of old movies. Amy watched sometimes but they never helped. Karma wouldn't move, she wouldn't leave. She wanted to be with Amy. She could feel her up there and she liked the sound of Amy's calm breath.

Amy closed her eyes, pained from the day and the thoughts in her head. Karma was nice but she was a stranger. It didn't matter that she had held her while she cried. Karma could be just like everyone else in the end. And Amy had to think that way. For her own safety, she had to think it.

Out of nowhere, Karma began to sing a song.

"_While you are away, my heart comes undone. Slow-ly unravels, in a ball of yarn. The devil collects it. With a grin. Our love, in a ball of yarn. He'll never return it. So when we come back, we'll have to make new love. He'll never return it. So when we come back, we'll have to make new love…"_

Karma's voice trailed off and Amy suddenly noticed that noiseless tears were rolling softly out of her eyes. It had been so long since someone talked to her so sweetly. And to hear a song? Karma had sung just to her. They were alone and Karma's voice snuck inside her, made her warm.

"That's so pretty," Amy breathed; she was suddenly scared to move.

"I like it here," Karma said, feeling Amy's presence from every corner of the room, how she was below and above her and somehow next to her, in spirit, though she was out of physical reach. "Goodnight, Amy," Karma said, rolling over and resolving to sleep. Amy listened as she moved and ached just to feel her there.

"Night," Amy smiled, feeling sad and happy all at once, her cheeks blushed from all the talking and being seen. She was afraid to sleep because, what if it had all been a dream?


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

**You're Too Much**

**Part I**

Morning came quick. When Karma woke it was to noise in the hall. It was so weird waking up and not realizing where she was. She was used to Aunt Winnie's house and all the cats and the quiet. The most noise she ever heard there was the vacuum in the afternoon on those nights when Winnie got the urge to just clean.

But there were people now, just outside her door. People all around. She got up and noticed that Amy was gone from her bunk. There was shouting and dishes clanking.

"First day is always the worst," she heard a man moan gruffly. She tip-toed through the door and looked out. A man smiled at her awkwardly and walked past. Amy noticed from the kitchen where she was mixing a large bowl of eggs by the stove.

"Come out when you're ready," she said kindly.

"Is that my baby?!" Karma heard her mom. In seconds she was swooped up into a hug. Amy looked away blushing as Karma stared on at her while inside of her mother's arms. The dynamic was just so strange. There was all this tension someone between them. Both girls wanted to know each other inside and out and they felt like they already knew more than anyone else about one another. It didn't help that they'd be living close and grounded to one another like an anchor grounds itself to a floor.

Karma felt her body shift towards the doorframe away from the hug. She fell into the solid wood and braced herself on it, while still clutching tightly onto her mom.

"Oh my God," she said.

"That's right, sugar," her mom smiled. "You're already sailing!"

Amy kept looking over at them without meaning to. They seemed happy, despite the night. Perhaps Karma didn't have it so rough. At least her mother appeared to love her. There was a big difference between carelessness and willful dislike. Amy's mother openly disliked her choices and by transference, her only daughter as a whole. At times it almost seemed there wasn't one thing Farrah wouldn't like to change about Amy. If only her dad was still around. Amy often dreamed her life would be different if her dad was still around. But those dreams were all fruitless and nothing more than childish fantasies.

Everyone always wishes for things they can't have. It was just sad to know that Amy's dreams were the mere basics for most children. All she wanted was two parents that loved her, people that were happy to know her and have her around.

Seeing Karma and her mom all smiley in the morning, it made Amy remember it all, all the hurt. Amy couldn't be a kid anymore. She hadn't been a kid in a very long time.

"Hey you," Karma said, moving up behind her and touching Amy's sides as Amy did her morning dance behind the stove. Shifting from one foot to the other and balancing as the boat tossed ever so lightly. Amy had no problem finding her sea-legs. They were ingrained in her now. Karma watched and wished she could mimic that. Instead she held onto her in her fear and shaky awkwardness.

"Hey," Amy smiled, ignited by that closeness and that touch.

"Mmm, that looks good," Karma crooned over Amy's shoulder by her ear, her sleepy voice vibrating all the way through Amy's body and inciting her to want to turn around and just hug her close, maybe even kiss her. These were new feelings but Amy liked them. She shut them away as much as she could. But she couldn't hide her smile or the way she enjoyed Karma's touch.

"It's almost done," Amy said, trying to stay composed and not fall back onto Karma. People weren't often in her personal space and when they were it was usually by accident. There was nothing accidental about the way Karma had chosen to hold her by her sides and speak close to her so that no one else could hear. It was the most intimate sort of thing. Amy shut her eyes and shooed her hope-filled thoughts away. Fantasies were for the birds.

"Anything I can do?" Karma asked sweetly, her hands still on Amy's hips as she was holding her half for support and half to be sweet and close and feel that connection she knew was there.

"Have some orange juice," Amy said. It's what she always did in the morning. Orange juice was always the first thing to go. "You'll thank me later," Amy smiled back at her as an after-thought.

"Okay," Karma chuckled. She wasn't sure how drinking orange juice could be of any help to Amy but she went to the fridge and did as told, rummaged through the cupboards to find a cup. When she finally did get a glass she leaned on the counter instead of going away. She liked watching Amy cook and move and stare in her quiet determined way. She imagined she'd like to watch her do anything.

Halfway through the scrambled eggs, Karma's father appeared in the kitchen.

"Baby-doll!" He exclaimed.

"Daddy!" Karma smiled. She put her glass down and hugged him tight.

"I'm so glad you came. I've been missing you like crazy!" He rocked her in his arms. Amy tried to pretend they weren't there but it was hard. "You and Amelia getting along?" He asked.

"Yeah dad, she's great," Karma said, almost embarrassed that he would ask with Amy right there to hear.

"She's a godsend, this one!" Her dad exclaimed. "Reads non-stop!"

"Oh, you like books?" Karma asked excitedly. It was a small tidbit about a person she was eager to know.

"I guess so," Amy said. Truth was, there wasn't much to do on a floating vessel. Being on a boat was almost like being on a spaceship. And reading was a solitary activity. If people saw Amy with a book they tended to leave her alone. As a consequence, she came off as a quiet bookworm to most of the people on the boat. Karma's parents just thought of her as information hungry, plotting her revenge on the world. They projected all sorts of things onto Amy. And Karma's father in particular projected that Amy must be more intelligent than even the dolphins are said to be.

"She's just bashful!" Karma's father chuckled. "She reads all kinds of stuff! Biology, English, Spanish, STEVEN KING!" He chuckled again. He had a jovial way, always amused.

"I do have homework too," Amy said. It was easy to do homework on a boat since nothing else was going on. She would never really read Biology for fun. But it did interest her once she really sat down and thought about it. Most things did.

"Maybe we can do homework together," Karma smiled. She'd like that. She hadn't thought about her boat-schooling until just then. She wondered if maybe it was rigorous and her parents were careless in knowing. Perhaps Amy was getting a college degree on top of her GED. Lots of home and charter school kids were doing that now-a-days. Karma wondered all kinds of things and wished she had spent more time in Amy's room looking at her belongings and digging into her personal life like a sneaky spy.

"It's really not much," Amy said, spreading the now-cooked eggs onto a large plate and walking them to the largest wooden booth nearest the kitchen.

Karma wanted there to be no one else in the room. Her eyes followed Amy curiously, she wasn't even thinking about food, just the girl.

"They're ready if you want some," Amy said.

"Love of my life!" Karma's dad exclaimed, cupping Amy's face in his hands and kissing her on the forehead, causing her to grow beet red and extremely embarrassed. "What would we do without you?!" He yelled.

Karma couldn't contain her amusement. She laughed teasingly and wiped a happy tear from her eye as Amy raised her eyebrows to her knowingly and walked back to the kitchen, stealing Karma's glass and gulping down the last of her OJ, taking it all in one humongous gulp. It must just be an Ashcroft thing to deny personal space and alone time at every turn.

Karma stared with crossed arms. She loved it all so much: the boat, her father, but mostly Amy. Blushing Amy.

**Part II**

Morning on the boat was calm and effortless. Karma ate breakfast with her family and Amy slunk off to give them alone time. By lunch Karma had packets of homework, books, and a duffle bag filled with new clothing. It was like she had enlisted into the navy or something. Nothing was hard yet, it was just a lot of info and mystery. There were a lot of questions she chose to hold-off on asking. What bothered her most was the thought of the actual physical labor.

Amy had showered and returned to her bunk. She sat there up top against the wall reading and doodling while she listened to the radio in her earbuds.

"You're staring," Amy said. Some time ago Karma had returned from the helm where she had been talking to her father. She came back and saw Amy there with her wet hair and her earbuds in. Instead of bugging her she took to leaning in the doorframe and just staring. Amy pretended not to see but Karma's presence was all she could feel. Karma had a way of seeing her that made her feel almost naked. It wasn't intentional and it was probably mutual, but at least Amy tried NOT to openly stare.

"I know," Karma smiled. _What would be the point of looking away?_

"You're making me nervous," Amy said, refusing to look at her.

"So you're always like this?" Karma asked. She was amused but skeptical. She took a few steps into the room and began to climb up Amy's metal ladder.

"I guess so," Amy said. "What do you mean?" She tried to act normal but Karma had invaded her space yet again. Karma put her arms up over the edge of the bunk and stared up at Amy who had barely moved despite feeling defensive and alarmed.

"Quiet." Karma said. "Alone." There were other people on the boat. Karma had seen them, talking and laughing. There was even a cute young boy their age who tried to get Karma to sit down with him and help with a crossword puzzle. Company could easily be had if one simply wanted easy company.

"I told you, I'm alone for a reason." Amy fought. She turned her eyes back to her drawing and hoped Karma would go back down.

Surprising her again, Karma climbed up the ladder instead of descending. She crawled up the bed near the wall and placed herself right beside Amy, so close that Amy could feel the hair stand up on her arms and her skin freckle with goosebumps.

"Karma, what are you doing?" Amy asked uncomfortably and rather flat. She didn't want to be mad but she irrationally was.

"That's nice, what is it?" Karma asked breathily, staring down at the notebook in Amy's hands that was filled with doodles and words from poems Amy had recently read. Amy felt as Karma nudged closer to her. She could smell her perfume and her skin and the mints she had just eaten. She could hear her breathing and feel how easy it would be to just lean over and kiss her, just do it and get it down.

"Stop." Amy said, moving away and closing her book, throwing it down on the bed. The feelings were too intense and dangerous. She did not want to get kicked off of this boat.

"What'd I do?" Karma asked apprehensively. She had thought they had been getting along. The night before had been nothing but sweet. Amy was nice to her and she complimented her singing. Even the morning had been sweet. She felt so close to Amy somehow. It was like they had known each other for years even though they had really just met in the night under odd circumstances.

"I already told you, you're making me nervous," Amy said clearly pained. She pushed up off the wall and climbed down the ladder leaving Karma just there. Once she left the room Karma felt helpless. The room felt cold without her, suddenly vacant. For a second Karma felt that heavy ball in the pit of her stomach, the one that would shift when Aunt Winnie was home but she herself still felt alone. Abandoned on Amy's bunk with the smell of Amy all around her, Karma put her face in her knees and started to cry. She hated that heavy twisted abandoned feeling. Even more, she hated that she could already be feeling it somewhere new.

Down the hall Amy realized she had forgotten her notebook in her nervousness. She moved back to the room to grab it, already knowing that Karma would be the type to snoop. She hadn't expected what she saw. She took three steps into the room and looked up without meaning too.

"Goddamn it!" Amy yelled at herself in frustration.

"I'm sorry," Karma wept. She hadn't meant to be so sensitive or so nosy or so undeniably open. There was something about Amy that she just craved.

"Karma," Amy whined looking up at her from the side of the bed and holding her hand on her notebook knowing now that she could never just leave.

"Am I that horrible?!" Karma asked through her sobs. She always felt so vulnerable. It was always her trying too hard, putting herself out there, poking at people, almost badgering them. She was always the one who wanted to get close too soon and know everything too soon. She was always being rejected, especially by those she tried most to impress. She had thought she was over this kind of thing. But Amy felt so good to her right away, she couldn't resist.

"No," Amy sighed, looking up at her and seeing her sad beautiful eyes. "You're great, okay?" Amy said, before looking away. "I'm horrible," Amy let her hand take the book. She stalked out of the room feeling like a complete ass. And she didn't rest until she found a nook where she could be alone. Trying to quiet her thoughts was very hard after that encounter. The last thing she wanted to do was be another reason for Karma to cry.

**Part III**

Once Amy left, Karma knew not to look for her. It hurt to know she had ruined Amy's day. It always hurt to know that she, again, had tried too hard and pushed someone away.

"It'll be drop time soon," the crossword boy said. He had been watching her out of the corner of his eye, studying her mood and noticing how pensive she was.

"Excuse me?" She asked. She'd been waiting in the kitchen area at one of the smaller booths, hoping Amy would resurface and want to talk or, better yet, ignore everything that had just happened.

"Drop time," he said, intrigued by her beauty and solemn demeanor for that large chunk of time they spent in the same room ignoring one another. "It's the first thing we do," he smiled. There was something sweet about him but also mischievous. "You're Karma right? Your parents run this ship?" He wanted to ask all sorts of things, like why were they so nice to him and Amy and why was she never on the boat before? They were obviously all around the same age. It was strange for them to have an actual child who wasn't with them but two others who lived on their boat and barely pulled their weight but got paid as well as adored.

"Yeah," she smiled. She had no clue what was going through his mind.

"They told us you'd be coming this time."

"I'm sort of scared," she confessed. "I've seen Deadliest Catch and this doesn't seem like the kind of place for minors." She didn't mean to dig. It was the truth and they all knew it.

He started to laugh. "Don't be scared, we'll all help you."

"Yeah but, it's dangerous and the waves are huge and those cages look heavy and-"

"What's this?" Amy asked, throwing her notebook down in front of Karma on the table and looking down at them from behind Karma's turned back.

"Karma's scared about the work."

"It'll be fine," Amy said. She pulled into Karma's booth and sat down across from her. She suddenly felt a strong urge to listen in. Karma didn't need to be scared. Being scared could make it more dangerous for everyone. But Amy didn't want her to feel scared. Her parents had been good to them, gentle and slow, they didn't demand anything other than that they try and only do what they feel comfortable doing. It wasn't like those boats on tv.

"Still," Karma shrugged. "I don't even see what kind of help I can be…" She seemed down and Amy wondered if it was really about the work.

"Well, you could be our mascot then," Amy smiled. Karma could be good for morale. She felt like a dumbass for saying it but it got Karma to smile.

"Ha-ha. Very funny," Karma scoffed.

"You're pretty and you smile a lot. If anything you can sing us all out of a storm." Karma couldn't stop the blush rising to her cheeks. Her face flushed hot, Amy had actually called her pretty.

"Do I sense a love connection?" The crossword boy grinned.

"Shut up, Shane!" Amy whined, throwing a sugar packet straight at his face. He ducked and swatted. It hit Karma in the chest.

"HEY!" She scoffed, laughing and throwing it back at him.

"Sorry," he said. It had been unintentional but it was still funny all the same.

"Am I going to have to lift anything?" Karma asked, turning to face Amy.

"Probably not," she confessed. "We have big strong men for that, like Shane." Even as a guy, Shane was insecure about his physical abilities in a job like this. He'd get tired before the men. It always happened. He hadn't a large build and he was shorter than the other guys. "They'll probably put you on controls and sorting." That's what Amy would do with her if it was her choice. Occasionally Amy would help with the lifts and the guiding of the pods but usually she was washing and sorting and manning the crane controls. Sometimes at night she would even steer the boat since Karma's dad had been teaching her. With Karma here now though she had no clue what she'd be asked to do. "At least there your parents," Amy said. "If you don't like it just be honest. What are they gonna do? Throw you over?" She smiled. Karma felt herself melt in her stare.

Amy noticed and got up. She pulled an apple out of a bowl in the kitchen and walked away back to her room, sending Karma a simple wink as she bit into her apple loudly and disappeared feeling self-satisfied for once.

Karma wanted nothing more than to follow her but she was starting to see that Amy had moods and issues. As much as she comforted her just then, Karma knew she'd better be safe and test the waters. It was no surprise that Amy reacted the way she did earlier when Karma got close.

"She's not too talkative," Shane winked.

"No, she's not," Karma blushed with a small laugh.

"I like her though," he confessed with a cheeky smile. He avoided eye contact and kept on filling in his words.

"Me too," Karma smiled, watching him. She was glad to have another friend.


	4. Chapter 4

_*i had intended to write liam into the story this chapter as a purely platonic friend/character to both the girls and shane but he gets so much hate straight off so I decided to keep him out. i don't think people understand that liam has a lot of room to evolve as a character and because of that he's really fun to write and use for things like this. for instance here, i was going to have him be this mysterious wonder boy who gets drunk and acts like an ass everytime the boat docks. away from society he's a soft peach with beautiful layers but when he's back on land he remembers all the stupid things he's ever done and that his parents don't give a shit about him and he just falls into his own stereotypes and becomes what people want to think of him. the ship does need strong men and liam is from faking it so… but yeah, since there was an immediate resistance I guess I won't add him into this tale…*_

**Chapter Four  
****Baby, You Can Sleep While I Drive**

**Part I**

Karma's parents liked to do their drops in the afternoons so that they could finish just around sunset on each of the first three days. It placed a bit of pressure on their crew but since the Ashcroft's usually brought back an above average catch, they didn't mind if all their pots didn't make it in for each trip. They had gotten into this habit purely by accident though. It made little sense to anyone who wasn't Karma's parents. Most people dropped in the morning. Most people sailed out a little deeper too. But most people weren't Ashcroft's and most people thought that some things were always right and some things were always wrong.

When the Ashcroft's first bought the boat and embarked on their very first season, they had hired the previous owner to show them the ropes and get them familiar with the new work as a whole. The previous owner had his own quirks. On top of being a New Englander who spoke very little without being prompted, he tended to sleep in the mornings due to his usually dedicated overnight sailing duty and his schedule always tended to be what it was. This is honestly where their schedule came from. They did everything exactly like he had done, even now a good four years later, they were still copying the previous owners every move, down to each random and particular detail. They went out to almost exactly the same coordinates, they dropped their pots at about the same depth, they laid three whole drops in a row one day after the other just as the previous owner had done. They picked up their pots from the start, where they first dropped, to the back again, where they last dropped. They did everything just as he had done. It worked like clockwork and they never failed. As a desired outcome, no other boats tried to bother them. And, they never interfered with other fisherman who dropped nets and things like that in random spots to try and maximize their take. It was a disaster-free affair and they loved it, every second. It was formulaic and almost accidental. They were lucky, is what I'm saying. The Ashcroft's had always been lucky.

Most people would've switched up their routine by now. Most people would drop in the mornings and let the pots sit all day and then pull them out. The Ashcroft's liked the midday drop though. They liked having their crab-pots soak overnight and into the very next two days. They were into the long waits and the expensive pots that did tend to yield a better catch. They would drop this load today and then continue on sailing to drop another set of pots tomorrow. They were already running like clockwork, so familiar with the business and the sea that it wasn't even a challenge, it was more a relaxing routine, a new way of living that made them both happy and invigorated.

Almost everything negative that had happened to other long-term boats, crews, and captains, had skipped The Gypsy Queen entirely. They hadn't lost pots their very first year. They hadn't screwed up the lines and caused other boats to file reports. They hadn't thought they'd had pots stolen when really their buoy ties were just wrong. They hadn't even had a light load, in all of their many voyages out to collect crab. The luck on the Gypsy Queen was undeniably apparent to all. There were no lost men. There were no lost pots. There were no leaks or cracks. And the Ashcroft's were known for being joyous and helpful to every fish captain on the New England Shore. They were a fucking delight to behold. But Karma knew none of this. Karma was completely in the dark.

**Part II**

It was approaching midday and Karma was beginning to get nervous. After Shane had left her alone in the kitchen she went to search for Amy but couldn't seem to find her anywhere. Eventually, she gave up and retreated to her room. She tried to calm herself by playing her ukulele. The more she sat idle, the more nervous she became. She'd pluck a few notes, tune her strings up and try a song. But things were not sitting well with her because she was nervous as all fucking hell.

Eventually, Amy came to get her.

"You ready?" Amy asked, taking a deep breath in and knowing that Karma was probably just as terrified as she herself had been on her very first day.

"I don't even know what to wear," Karma laughed nervously.

"It's fine," Amy smiled. She walked to Karma's dresser and opened her drawers determined; pulling out a thick long-john-like undercloth that Karma's parents had given her without very much explanation. "Here," Amy said, handing the folded up set, top and bottom, to Karma and accidentally touching her hand.

"Thanks," Karma smiled.

"I'll wait just outside. Don't be nervous," Amy said.

Karma changed awkwardly. She felt her body shaking. She was nervous, she couldn't help it. In the mirror she laughed at herself in that stealthy head-to-toe tight black uniform. She took her gold necklace off and laid it down gingerly on the nightstand. Thinking smart, she tied her hair back tight and took a deep breath in. If anyone from her old school would've seen her then, they would've thought that maybe Karma had ventured into the art of miming or maybe jazz. The outfit was hilarious when it wasn't covered up by the eventual waterproof coveralls all the crew had to wear. "Here goes nothing," Karma said to herself, breathing in and praying to the gods for unnatural physical strength.

Amy waited impatiently outside the door. She wasn't usually nervous on the first day. The pull-out days were much harder than the push-in days. The last days of the trip were the taxing ones and the first days were the easy little adventures.

All that being said, Amy wanted to get Karma out there fast so that she could sooner calm her nerves and lose herself in the work and the habitual mundane activities like stringing the weights onto the extra ropes in the storage room and prematurely filling the bait jars for each of the pots with the frozen squid. There wasn't much they could actually do yet since the ship, in and of itself, was all set for the drop. The lines were inside the pots, already measured and waited. The deck was clear and ready, the hydraulics were oiled and tested before the The Gypsy Queen even left the harbor. Plus, as a special bonus, the signature buoys had all been repainted by Amy since the last time the ship had gone out. She had been hard-up for something to do and the Ashcroft's paid her a bit extra without explanation so she had done it all for free, feeling guilty and alone.

Karma would calm down once she got started, so Amy sort of forced herself to start early and get things going just to help Karma along.

"Ready?" Amy asked as Karma opened the door slow and peaked out in her black tight warm underclothes. It was almost like she was about to start a beatnik routine, a spoken word poem was lingering somewhere off in the silence that hung ever-present between the two girls.

"As I'll ever be," Karma sighed. She felt safe with Amy as her guide.

"It'll be fine," Amy smiled. She reached down and took Karma's hand in hers, feeling again that soft warm pleasant feeling of touching this girl who she didn't know but wanted to feel. Karma followed feeling anxiety. "You're so nervous," Amy noticed. Karma was shaky, even in Amy's touch.

"I wish I wasn't," Karma breathed.

"Sing me something," Amy smiled. She wasn't looking at Karma, just walking her down the corridor and passing a lot of others who were joking around in their bunks and going back and forth between the kitchen, the common room, and the bathroom. Amy knew that Karma just needed to relax.

"I wouldn't know what to sing," Karma breathed, feeling nervous. It was cute though, that Amy asked at all. That Amy remembered the night before and the Bjork song that Karma couldn't' get out of her head.

Amy brought her into a room that was filled with supplies. There were makeshift storage units filled with extra ropes, extra buoys, extra wire, extra paint. Anything the ship could possibly need, it was extra all in here. Amy brought her there and shut the door.

"We're early," she said, being truthful.

"What do you mean?" Karma asked.

"I could tell you were nervous," Amy said, taking time to feel for what she was looking for amongst the extra extra things in the storage room that rarely had visitors.

"You didn't have to do this," Karma smiled.

"I knew you were scared. I felt that way once," Amy confessed.

"You're so sweet," Karma felt like kissing her. Amy blushed but turned her head.

"Here," she said. "We can do this I guess." She pulled some buoys out from a plastic basket and found the sodering gun she had used a bit a couple voyages ago. "Sit there," Amy said, turning the basket over so all the extra buoys would fly out and sit on the floor in front of Karma. She had made a seat out of the basket. "It's fine, sit," she ushered her along.

"You don't have to," Karma scoffed.

"I want to," Amy confessed. "Do you want music? There's a radio," Amy was trying to think of all the things that could calm Karma down. Karma obviously liked music.

"I'll sing," Karma said, smiling up at her from the basket where she sat and waited to be taught something knew.

"Okay," Amy sighed. She was relieved that Karma would sing. She didn't want to admit it but Karma's voice was like smooth melting butter on her tongue. They kind with honey mixed in that tasted sweet and warm and more delicious than anything else ever could.

"Right from the start you were a thief you stole my heart, and I your willing victim" Karma sang, with intense volume that almost threw Amy aback. Her voice was so clear and sure. Amy fought back her blush, she just had to.

Amy moved to hide her face while Karma sang, she plugged the soddering gun in and moved another basket to make a seat for herself. She tried not to look at Karma but when Karma sang it was like the rest of the world was just nothing in comparison. It was hard to explain but so clear as fucking day. Karma Ashcroft was a goddamn angel on this ship. She was everything right in a world filled with wrong and Amy had to try oh so hard to just be plain and normal and not give away how intensely she felt that thought. How intensely she instantly loved this girl.

"I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty," Karma was trying not to look at her, thought she wanted, she wanted to look the whole damn time. She had been trying to play this song on her uke back in the room but it wasn't working out. Without the instrument it was much stronger, much more pure. "And with every touch, you fixed them." She tapped Amy on the wrist to make her look.

"Now you've been talkin' in your sleep, OH. Oh, things you'd never say to me, Oh. oh. Now tell me that you've had enough, of our love, our love. Oh our love, our loveeee."

Amy tried not to choke up, she tried not to take the song personal but how could she not given the words and all the other songs in the world that Karma could've chosen to have sung just right now. The girl was sitting in front of her and belting her heart out, praying for a connection, to be noticed, to be shared. Amy couldn't help it. She had to sing. As soon as the chorus came in she joined Karma almost reluctantly and smiled with surrendering eyes.

Once she started to sing Karma couldn't believe it, she couldn't believe. "Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough. Just a second, we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again!" She smiled looking at Amy. "It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts."

"We're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again!" Karma never expected her to be able to sing. As soon as Amy opened her mouth Karma wanted to just jump into her arms and hug her tight. Singing with someone was far more better than talking. It was so lovely and unexpected to hear Amy's voice and see that the song was causing her to smile.

Somehow Karma stopped her singing. They were working their way into the climax of the song and Amy felt the excitement in her chest. She didn't usually join in. She wasn't a joiner, not really. So when Karma stopped singing she was confused and scared but still happy to have had that tiny duet.

"You okay?" Amy asked panting in the near dark room. Karma had stopped singing, she was so dumbfounded. She had been watching Amy sort of in awe. Not only did Amy know the song, she had a beautiful voice and she was capable of harmonizing.

"You never told me you could sing," Karma smiled, breathless. The air had been completely knocked from her lungs.

"Everyone can sing," Amy said, blushing and shrugging it off. "Come on, we have to burn these numbers on." Amy's activity for the day was to burn the ships CF number onto the buoys just in case. They never had a problem before but they had nothing else to do so she talked Karma into it and tried to be an authority figure just to calm her down. It didn't take more than two buoys for Karma to get the hang of it and relax. They sang a couple more songs, less passionate ones that required less eye contact and less heart and soul. And Karma didn't realize it but Amy had succeeded in calming her down entirely. Her hands were no longer shaky and she didn't feel scared, not like before.

"You tricked me, didn't you?" Karma sighed after they had engraved many buoys with numbers and packed them all away back into the crate. It was obvious that they weren't even going to use any of the stuff in the storage room. Amy had brought her there to calm her down.

"Little bit," Amy confessed with a smirk. It had worked and that was all that mattered.

"And now we have to go on deck, right?"

"Pretty much."

"Why do you keep helping me?" Karma asked, taking her hand.

"I like you," Amy confessed, taking her hand away and putting the rest of the things back where they belonged.

"I like you too," Karma blushed. She didn't mind that Amy could be passionate and then cold. She didn't mind that it was hard to break through and get to her new friend. Amy was lovely, she really was.

They'd have to leave soon anyway. The rest of the crew was dressing up in their coveralls and getting ready to drop the pots. It was the heat of the day but the swells were large and treacherous and the wind on the deck would be strong. By now, Amy hoped that Karma would be relaxed enough to not mind, distracted enough to not care.

"Come on," Amy said. "It's drop time." Those three words that haunted Karma ever since Shane had said them in the kitchen only hours before.

Amy grabbed Karma's hand again and led her nervously through the corridor to the coatroom where all their coveralls hung on hooks neatly in an orderly way that made Karma almost more nervous because it meant the room had a purpose and that purpose was pre-work, pre-activity, pre-time on deck, pre-everything. Before, that was all just play. It was business time now. It wasn't just the physical labor that scared her, it was the thought that if she didn't do well her parents would be done with her again, done for good. She'd have to go back to Austin, back to Aunt Winnie. She'd have to sleep without Amy. She'd have to live that life again.

She felt that ball come back, the one in her stomach, the one that filled her up with ache and twisted hard at the worst of times.

"Come on," Amy said, leading her to a hook and showing her the coverall that hung fresh and new below the sticker that said Karma's name. "Here," Amy said. "Don't be nervous, it's okay."

The next thing Karma knew she felt dizzy and strange. Her eyes rolled up to the sky.

Amy saw and moved to her quick. She called her name but Karma couldn't hear it, she only saw Amy's lips moving. And then it was just darkness. Everything went dark. Everything was dark.

Amy caught Karma in her arms, she braced her body with her own and lowered the both of them down to the ground. It only took seconds for the boys to take notice and help. They ran over and asked what had happened. Amy told them she just fainted and they laughed because they knew she was a greenhorn. It wasn't uncommon for a greenhorn to faint. They left Amy on the ground and took Karma back into her bunk. It was just like a greenhorn to be completely useless on their very first voyage out. The men all laughed as they carried her. It was an excellent joke to them.

Amy wasn't laughing though. It wasn't funny to her. She knew how Karma must've been feeling. Karma had told Amy enough about her life and about her parents to get to her to see that odd pressure she was feeling was in no way unjustified just now.

She wished there was something she could do but Amy had tried with all her heart.

Amy stayed out on the deck. She did her job and felt horrible. She loaded the bait cups with frozen squid and crawled into all the pods attaching them to every single one. Shane manned the hydraulics and the men lifted the pods into place. Georgey threw all the buoys and the Ashcroft's played The Beatles over the loudspeaker. It was a good day. An easy day. The salty air was fresh and the sun never once disappeared behind the clouds.

It killed Amy that Karma didn't get to see, how easy it could be.

Despite herself, and all her efforts, Amy felt fully responsible and she wanted to scream.

**Part III**

When Karma finally woke it was the middle of the night. She was in her bunk below Amy's and it was quiet like the night before.

"Shit," Karma breathed, remembering the coat room and the darkness. She had been with Amy in the storage room and then in the dressing room ready to help. That ball was twisting in her stomach and then she felt herself falling and she was done.

She stood up slow feeling useless and sad. She was expecting to see Amy asleep on the top bunk but what she saw was an empty bed and a room all her own. She didn't know it yet but it was very late. She had passed out and slept until 2 am. It was the dark time on the ship when almost everyone was asleep, everyone but the captain, there had to be someone manning the boat.

Karma peeked out of her room, she was still wearing her black thermals and white socks.

"You are such an idiot." She breathed to herself. The boat made her feel dizzy and small. She couldn't believe she had missed the big event, the first drop. No one else really cared. They hadn't expected much of her really. Only Amy had been worried. While Karma slept sound, all Amy could think about was Karma back in her bunk having nervous dreams and feeling sad.

The common room was empty but the TV blared some old weird Christmas movie. It was Robert Downey Jr. and Holly Hunter, they were brother and sister, best friends. Karma stared for a second. She'd never seen Robert Downey Jr look so unbelievably handsome. In the movie he was gay and his sister loved him anyway. It was lovely but it was old. Karma lost interest and remembered herself. She walked past the old couch, feeling weak.

She found the steps to the control room and held at the railing walking slowly upward. She should've eaten but all she felt was nausea. She wanted to find Amy and ask her what had happened. She needed to apologize or say something, anything new.

"You're here," Karma said, seeing the back of Amy's head at the large seat situated behind the controls. In the night the room was lovely. There were huge windows looking out at the ocean and even though it was dark the moon illuminated things just enough to give them both a soft glow. Amy was wrapped in a blanket and she had been drawing again in a nearly empty notepad. Once she heard Karma she stirred.

"Oh, hey," Amy smiled, trying not to be excited. She had been watching the numbers and dials but everything had been normal for over three hours now. Karma's dad had set the course and Amy liked to night-sail, she liked to be on watch late at night.

Truthfully, no one else wanted the job. The men were needed during the drops and pulls and Shane couldn't stay up to save his life. To man the boat at night it took diligence and a person capable of staying alert. Little things could change their trip, ruin it, get them lost. Since Amy had a little problem with far too frequent night terrors and occasional insomnia, she'd much rather sleep around dawn when she was too exhausted to dream and too wrecked to wake up screaming.

"Come 'ere," Amy said, sitting up straight and turning to see her. Karma looked a little peeked and ill. Her skin was pale and she was still wearing her long-johns from before. Somehow she was still cold though. She didn't notice 'til just then.

Amy sat back on her chair and pulled Karma to sit in the space between her legs. She wrapped the blanket around her back and pulled it around covering Karma's shoulders and her front so that they'd both be warm and burried. Once they were wrapped, she turned the chair to face out at the sea. "You okay?" Amy asked, moving a hand around Karma's waist and holding her close. She could feel that Karma was cold and still a little shaky. Whatever had happened before she knew it couldn't have been fun.

"I dunno," Karma breathed, feeling Amy's hand at her waist and Amy's body close behind hers. Amy reached her other hand inside and hugged it too to Karma's waist until she was hugging her and holding her tight.

"You feel good," Amy said right into Karma's right ear. Karma was warm and soft and she smelled nice and clean unlike the men on the boat

"I like this," Karma sighed, closing her eyes into the feel of Amy sitting up to hold her. Amy hadn't meant to but it had happened. She hugged at Karma's waist with both arms now and closed her own eyes, feeling relieved.

"I like this too," Amy said, holding her close and wanting for it to never to end. It had been a long day, Karma's very first day. She'd get the hang of it soon enough. Fainting couldn't really be a regular thing, could it? If anything the Ashcroft's would keep her around, they had to. She was their daughter, their only kid.

"Why'd you run from me before?" Karma asked. She was staring out at the sea and seeing the large waves and how the boat seemed unphased by them. For miles and miles there wasn't a light in sight besides the bright moon.

"Your parents are nice," Amy sighed. "I don't want to screw things up." She tucked her chin onto Karma's shoulder and hugged her close. It felt good to hold her, almost as good as it would feel to be held.

"How could you screw things up?" Karma asked, smiling, she reached a hand back to Amy's right cheek and touched it softly. She knew so little of Amy. She found it so hard to believe that Amy could disappoint anyone. Amy was kind and gentle. She was quiet and cautious. She was everything people should be but weren't. She was unique.

"I dunno," Amy said. She didn't know why people chose to hate rather than love. Her mom had done it, it had been in her history after all.

"Well… I don't think you could screw anything up," Karma confessed. Whatever Amy was thinking it had to be wrong. The Ashcroft's rarely hated anyone. Karma could vouch for that. Plus, Amy was a saint.

"I don't want to think about it," Amy sighed. She stared out at the ocean and watched the dark swells tumble in their never-ending way.

"I'm sorry," Karma said, taking her hand back and holding on to Amy's arms around her waist, squeezing them tight. Instead of feeling that dreadful ball she felt fluttering inside of her.

"Don't be sorry," Amy smiled.

"Okay," Karma tried to agree.  
It felt too good to hold each other. Eventually they both felt sweaty and warm, much softer than they had felt before. Staring off at the sea in the night, they drifted to sleep at one point. Luckily, it was nearly sun-up anyway and Karma's dad woke them up without knowing it when he entered the room. It wasn't lost on Amy that she should've been alert. But she'd walked in on Papa Ashcroft asleep at the helm more than once before so she didn't feel too bad, just lucky, nothing but lucky.

He woke them and they went to their room dazedly. Karma followed Amy up to the top bunk and they laid down together without any talk about it or any protest from Amy. Sleep came quick and fast. They held each other while they slept. It felt so good they didn't wake up until well past 2pm when the second load of cages were already being dropped out into the ocean. The Ashcroft's had loved the sight of them so much, they shut their door and locked them in. They were too lovely just there, exhausted and together. And it was so adorable to see Karma and Amy both lightly smiling while they were asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

**This World May Lose Its Motion Love, If I Prove False To Thee**

**Part I**

In her dream she was at home. Her mother was making her eggs. She sat groggily at the table and watched. When her mom walked by her she leaned down as mothers tend to do, and kissed her on the forehead lovingly as if there had never been anything wrong with her and there never ever could be.

"Good morning, my love," her mother softly whispered into her ear.

Amy gasped and woke up coughing. Karma had been holding her in her sleep. When Amy jerked awake Karma shook and woke too.

"Are you okay?" Karma asked. She noticed the panic in Amy's eyes and moved to touch her but Amy shrugged her off.

"Yeah," Amy lied, sitting up. She hadn't dreamt of her mom in a while. At least, she hadn't had a nice dream like that. Somehow she couldn't find the air to talk.

"Bad dream?" Karma asked.

"A memory…" From the look on Amy's face Karma could swear it had been a nightmare.

"What time is it?" Amy asked, her eyes hardly open. The clock on the wall said 2:17. "Oh shit, we're late," Amy scooted down off the ladder. "Come on, they need us," Amy said.

Despite her fears Karma followed. She was already wearing the right clothes but Amy wasn't. Amy changed quickly leaving her bra and underwear on.

"Sorry," Karma said. Amy had noticed her staring, she blushed busily without a word.

She held Karma's hand down the long hall leading to the coatroom and the deck.

"We'll do the bait, it'll be easy." Amy said. She was trying to comfort her while they put their dry suits on. "Here," Amy said, pulling a beanie out of her pocket. "It'll keep you warm." Without meaning too Karma pulled the black beanie to her nose and breathed in the smell of Amy on the sea. She put it on and Amy pulled Karma's hood up over her head tightening the strings so that it wouldn't fall off. They noticed each other briefly and relaxed into a certain shared look.

"Let's do this," Amy smiled with her hands on Karma's shoulders. Her dream from before had already faded away.

**Part II**

Walking onto the deck Karma noticed how the crew seemed boisterous and jovial. It wasn't like all those shows where everyone is yelling and two seconds from death. The boat moved up and down over the waves and she had never felt more scared until now.

Amy pulled her along to the side where Shane had been shoving bits of fish and squid into large blue cups and closing the lids. He had a few set up and he was stuffing one more.

"Rise and shine beauty queens!" He smiled. Since they were here he could help with the buoys now. Karma's Dad had been throwing them. He looked good out on the deck.

"The angels have arrived!" He yelled over the sound of the pounding sea and the boat crashing into it.

"Why didn't you wake me?!" Amy yelled.

"You looked happy!" He smiled. She blushed and shrugged hating that she couldn't hide that she actually was.

A crackle pierced their ears.

"Is that my baby down there?!" Karma's mom's voice echoed over the deck and all the men made a loud and collective "AWWW!"

"In honor of my girl, this one's for you Karma! It's so good to have you back!"

An oldie started up loudly overhead, a loud voice booming out through the speakers in its cheerful way. Karma knew the song right away. It was a song her mom would sing her over the phone on that first year apart.

"My tears are fallin' cause you've taken her away. And though it really hurts me so, there's something that I've gotta say… Take good care of my baby, please don't ever make her blue. Just tell her that you love her. Make sure you're thinking of her. In everything you say and do…" Karma couldn't help the tightness in her chest. Of all the things she expected the work day to be, she had never factored in the possibility of it being emotional.

"Come on," Amy pulled her along with a smile. It was cute to watch Karma being adored. Karma deserved it. The expression on her face was almost priceless.

Amy took Karma's hands and put a blue cup in one while leading her other hand onto the large pile of cubed fresh fish and frozen squid. By now they had gloves on and they were suited up, no matter how stinky it got nothing should touch their skin. Amy stood behind her so she could talk in her ear. The sea was too loud for any other communication to work. It was either this or just yell. And Amy really didn't want to yell at her, she really didn't, not ever.

"So, you take the fish with your hand and pack it in until it's full." Karma let Amy move her. Amy was so good at calmly teaching that it already felt common knowledge now, what to do and where to go. "Then you take the lid and push until it clicks." Amy shouted, trying not to. She pushed the lid down with Karma's hand beneath her own until it clicked.

"Did you feel that?" Amy asked, making eye contact. Karma nodded. "Good," Amy said. "And that's all you have to do." It was a load off Karma's mind, a menial task. Karma could do that. She set to work while Amy attached hooks to the cups and disappeared off to the middle of the deck. Karma watched for a second. She saw Amy crawl up inside an empty cage and hook the cups to it from the inside before crawling out like a crafty spider. _ I can do that_, Karma thought.

As soon as Amy was out of the cage it was tipped and sent off the boat. Next her dad was throwing his last buoy. Shane stood behind him with crossed arms and watched, he was going to take over now at least for a little while. Karma watched it, it was a smooth and simple process. She stuffed the cups, Amy attached the cups, someone pulled the lever that brought the cage down, and then Shane would throw the buoy and they'd start over again from step one. Off in the distance Karma saw two men pulling cages closer to where all the others were standing. There seemed to be a never-ending wall of cages. The work would be long but it'd be painless, at least for her. And she knew that now.

When Amy came back down the deck she noticed right away that Karma hadn't moved.

"You got it?" She asked.

"Yeah," Karma smiled, it was all very easy. She began to pack the cups with fish and shut the lids. Amy was grinding the fish up with the machine. It was a dangerous job because the machine could cut bone. She threw the fish in and pushed it down with a wooden press. The Ashcroft's were smart. They wouldn't let any crew member get their fingers anywhere near that churning metal. Machines didn't come with a wooden press, they had fashioned it thick out of two by fours and given it a handle.

Once they had enough fish to last a while Amy returned to the end next to Karma and took two cups disappearing again to crawl up into an empty cage. Eventually after two straight hours of packing cups, Amy relieved Karma so that she could go and watch it all happening. There wasn't much talk but the music played overhead and she liked it.

"Wanna try?" Shane yelled, holding a buoy in his hand with some rope.

"Oh, I dunno," Karma yelled back, rather skeptically. She didn't want to mess things up.

"Come on," he said, pulling her to him and taking her hand. "You bunch up the rope and you hold the buoy in your other hand like this." He put the line and buoy in her hands just as he had been holding it before. "Once the cage goes over I always count to 3 in my head."

"And then what?" Karma asked.

"Then just throw!" Shame smiled. His arms were already sore from yesterday's full day of tossing. Karma heard the drop and almost panicked. The cage tipped and fell into the ocean so her job would be next.

"ONE! TWO! THREE!" Shane yelled. Without hesitation Karma just threw. The buoy sailed over the edge and the rope flew right after it. "You're a natural!" Shane smiled, watching it sail swiftly overboard after the cage. Amy shot Karma a flushed but proud look on her way to the cage. _ The sea life would do just fine_, she thought. And the day followed with much of the same.

**Part III**

For hours they filled cups, tossed buoys, and crawled in and out of wiry cages. Karma got used to the routine really fast. By the time it got down to the very last cage of drop day 2 she wasn't expecting it at all. There were so many other cages left on the deck, she had no way of knowing. For all she knew, they'd go long into the night until every last cage made its own swift descent into the blue.

"We're good!" Amy said walking over to her and pulling the tight lid over the trough where they kept the freshly chopped fish and frozen chunked squid.

"That's it?" Karma asked. She couldn't hide the smile growing on her face. All that worrying had been for nothing. All that worrying had been absurd. And to think she had fainted over chopped fish and blue cups. She wanted to laugh.

"That's it!" Amy smiled, latching the cover and pulling the house nozzle from its hook on the wall. "Go ahead on in. You can shower and change and relax. We're all done."

"What about you?" Karma asked, not wanting to leave without her.

"I'm gonna hose down the deck and check the water in the tank." Amy liked doing maintenance tasks. She liked to be busy and alone. Most of the crew had already gone inside. A loud horn had already gone off to signify the end of the drop. "Go!" Amy said, pushing Karma away with one hand. Karma looked back at her sheepishly on her way inside.

She changed slow and felt the fishy smell peel off of her. Touching her head once her hood was off, Karma realized she had already forgotten about the beanie, the one Amy let her wear. It had worked, her head had never been cold but her cheeks were. In fact, everything else was. Thinking about it now, for some reason, Karma never wanted to take that beanie off.

"How was she?" Karma's dad asked Amy.

"Great," Amy said. Karma had done well and she seemed calm.

"If she can do that we can keep her!" He clapped his hands excitedly. He had been so scared, especially with the fainting. If Karma didn't like the boat they could lose her again. For the longest time he had thought that a boat was no place for a teenager but Amy and Shane had proved him wrong and now having Karma there would do that too. "It's so great having her here," He looked like he was about to cry. "You're good with her Amelia. I don't even know how to thank you." He called her Amelia because he thought she was fearless like Amelia Earhart soaring high, all alone, above the clouds.

He had even given her a few toy planes. It was his thing, she had guessed. He liked planes and adventurous women and big boats and bringing joy to new people wherever he'd go. Amy was envious of his spirit. But something was different now that she knew Karma. Amy could never understand how Karma's parents could trust that she'd just be fine in someone else's arms. Amy loved the Ashcrofts unconditionally, they were good to her and they invited her in. But Karma had been without. She wondered irrationally if her mother had new kids now, maybe several. Maybe she was teaching classes and making other children feel good. There was already Lauren but Lauren had been there before all the fighting.

She wanted to cry. All these feelings were so messed up. No one would understand if she were to even try and speak of them in plain words. She felt choked by all she couldn't talk about and all others couldn't see.

He pulled her in for a big hug and she dangled feeling small in his friendly arms. Water jetted out from the hose in her hand. When adults hugged her like this she really did want to cry. Why could Karma's parents hug her but her own mom couldn't even be civil in the same room, let alone touch her and show her love? Was she really that horrible? Was it really that bad for people to know the truth?

Amy thought back on the night before Karma's dad had found them at the helm, curled up in each other's arms. Yea, they hadn't been kissing but they were obviously asleep together. And Amy had to think it, she thought it all day. She had to think of that comparison, her with Karma and her with Laura.

Even in the morning, they had been left in their room to sleep and she knew that someone must've tried to wake them. Someone must've come and seen them there together on the top bunk tangled up in each other's arms. Karma's parents must've seen. It was just the opposite reaction than the one she was used to. When her mom found her with Laura it was like her world came crashing down. But today with Karma…

All day she kept waiting for the storm but there were only ever clear skies.

"Again?!" Amy heard the lovely voice of Mrs. Ashcroft. It wasn't rare for her to catch her husband doling out hugs. "You'll scare them off!" She joked pulling Amy by the hand and wrapping her tightly into her own arms. "You poor poor dear, having to put up with two sappy captains," she crooned, rocking Amy in her arms. Amy flushed from all the touching. She wanted to be alone. They didn't hate her. They weren't scared. They didn't think she was weird or wrong or broken. Maybe they didn't know? Maybe they just didn't think that way?

Amy thought about Shane. They also liked Shane. Shane had a boyfriend. They knew Shane had a boyfriend. They'd met Pablo. They'd taken Pablo with them out to lunch. Shane was still welcome on their ship. But Pablo wasn't related to them and Karma was. Amy wondered what she should do. She shook her head feeling injured.

"You alright?"

"Light headed," Amy said.

"Here, let me," Mr. Ashcroft said taking the hose from her hand and spraying it back away from her over the salt-water-soaked deck. "Ya did good," he yelled over the pound of a wave. He put a hand on her shoulder and pushed her off toward the door. Amy couldn't get away fast enough. All her thoughts were dark and overwhelming, they all pointed to injustice. The world was a strange and cruel place. She changed quick and alone in the coat room. And she headed straight to the shower hoping some warmth could make it all go away.

**Part IV**

The boat's shower area was actually quite large. They kept it unisex and no one cared. There were curtains and individual stalls and bathrooms with doors so it didn't much matter anyway. No one would be out in the open if they didn't want to be. And the crew in general was considerate from what Amy had seen.

She entered the room and stared down at the blue stalls noticing that only one stall was filled and one curtain was shut. Steam billowed out above it and Amy just knew. From the sound that came next Amy was sure. Karma was singing again and she was showering, all alone.

Nervously, Amy walked into the stall next to Karma's and shut the curtain slowly so that it wouldn't make a sound. Placing a cold hand on the cold metal knob, she turned the water on and waited. Getting off the deck was always hard because no matter what you would be cold, no matter when you went out or how long you stayed out, the cold was always inevitable because the ocean was windy and misty and wet. She hugged her naked body to herself and waited, allowing Karma's voice to soothe her.

"It's you isn't it?" Karma asked, surprising her. She had been quiet but Amy guessed the shower had given it away.

"Yeah," Amy spoke. She hadn't expected to be spoken to.

On the other side of the wall Karma smiled amorously. She liked knowing that Amy took the stall next to hers instead of any of the others. There were really several different stalls she could've gone into. She began to sing a new song, this one just for Amy.

As the water warmed up, Amy let herself step under the stream. She exhaled as the heat rushed over her, warming her pleasantly and making her feel soft like dough instead of hard like ice. Karma's voice sailed up over the stall and calmed her as she placed her head and hands on the wall letting the water pound down on her back and warm her slowly as if she needed to be completely thawed or burnt raw. Amy usually took long showers. It was the best part of the day. She didn't dream in the shower so there were no nightmares. And she didn't have to feel alone because the water hugged her everywhere.

"I'm goin' away to leave you, love. I'm goin' away for a while. But I'll return again someday if I go ten thousand miles. The storms are on the ocean. The heavens may cease to be. The world may lose its motion love, if I prove false to thee."

Karma's voice was so sweet and strong. She didn't seem to ever need more air to be heard. Amy loved it. She smiled, feeling her head calm from it's perpetual pounding. All her racing thoughts had given her a headache and it had only gotten worse up until now. She exhaled calmly, feeling better, just a little better.

"Want me to wait?" Karma asked, shutting her water off suddenly and snapping Amy from her semi-clear mind.

"Ah, it's fine, I'm almost done," she lied.

"You just got in, don't you want to warm up?"

"I'll be okay." Amy said. She didn't know what to say. She wanted Karma to be singing again and she wanted to just stand there like that with her forehead on the wall and her back covered in warm water.

Karma wrapped herself in a towel and used another towel to squeeze at her hair. She walked out into the large locker room and sat down on a bench. Amy listened, she almost thought she had left before her voice started up.

"Oh who'll shoe your pretty lil feet? And who will glove your hand?" She sang on. Amy felt herself smile, staying put where she was and feeling the headache dull yet again. "And who will kiss your rosy red cheeks when I'm in a far off land? The storms are on the ocean. The heavens will cease to be. The world may lose its motion love, if I prove false to thee."

There was another verse but Amy wasn't sure if it'd be her last. She took to moving faster and Karma watched as soap drifted down Amy's ankles and into the drain. There was something about her, something broken. Karma could swear Amy had just been standing there not moving. There was something wrong. She knew there was. She wished to help, she wished to know. But it was wrong to take away her privacy.

Karma sang the rest of the song slowly before resolving to stand and go.

"I better get a head start," she said. It'd be awkward if they both had to change in the room at the same time.

Once she left Amy rested again. She turned around and leaned her back on the wall, moving the nozzle on the shower so that it would spill right down over her head and bury her in water. With the heat on her head she had no choice but to erase all of her thoughts and feel only the heat. No matter how hard she tried there was still something decidedly wrong.


	6. Chapter 6

_*trying to keep things dreamy for this fic. i like how dark it is and also how light. amy and karma obviously need each other in this fic and that's my all-time favorite thing about it.*_

**Chapter Six**

**Like The Sky, My Soul Is Also Turning**

The room felt empty without her but also it felt like a fairy tale or something from tv. It was sort of small and cozy and there was an old poster in a frame on the wall, an old timey scuba-diver in a metal suit at the bottom of the seat watching the fish and waving his hands. Karma liked that there weren't any windows. She liked that if she wanted to she could always pretend she was on land.

She dressed slow into the matching girly Victoria's Secret sweats her aunt Winnie had bought her for Christmas. It was always a surprise to see what Winnie would get for big holidays like that. Since they never talked, things like that had always seemed random and telling to Karma. She remembered opening the pink box and instantly smiling because Winnie had gone to the mall and walked into a shop and actually thought about her for a second. She had to think to get something. There was no way around that. It had to of happened.

It was one of her fond memories and she wished she could have been there. She even went to the mall right after just to go in that store and imagine how Winnie felt and what she did. They spoke so little but Winnie fascinated Karma, she felt so personally linked to her, so undeniably related.

A knock came at the door and Karma knew it was Amy. Only Amy would be considerate enough to knock that softly without saying a word. She walked the length of the room excitedly, twisting the knob.

"Come on," Karma said, leading her inside by a hand on her arm. She closed the door behind her and turned to stare at Amy who was wrapped up in a large blue towel with her long drippy hair and her clothes in her hand. "Oh!" Karma said, snapping out of her daze. "I'll go get us a snack!" She had smelled food and coffee when the door opened. They hadn't eaten all day because of their late start.

Karma left giving Amy just enough time to plop down on the bed and breathe. She never told Karma but she liked the bottom bunk and having something dark over her head. The top bunk had that white ceiling, while the bottom had a dark purple blanket for a view. Amy liked being closed in, in the dark. She laid back on Karma's bed in her towel and breathed deep that smell of Karma's minty-sweet shampoo and that soft fragrance she liked to wear, the one Amy loved but couldn't name if she ever tried. One day, when she was off the boat, she would find it in a store and buy it just for herself. It wasn't a jealousy thing, more of a personal preference. If she could help it at all, she'd want to never forget that smell and have it with her always. That scent was Karma and Karma was home.

The door flew open and Karma saw.

"Oh! Shit!" Karma smiled, "I should've knocked… Dooooo you want coffee?" She asked awkwardly. Amy could've been naked and she hadn't even thought…

Amy sat up real slow.

"That sounds great actually," she said, wanting to be all alone

"You can sleep there you know," Karma made a face. She had noticed how relaxed Amy had been, how at home.

"K," Amy said. She didn't mean to just agree but there it was. She held at her towel while Karma stared motionless for a moment. Karma just did this. She did it all the time. IT was one of the reasons Amy herself could not stop staring at Karma. Deer-in-the-headlights is a bit hard to ignore.

"K, I'll knock next time. I promise," Karma said.

She was gone again and Amy felt lost. She walked to her drawers and dressed herself quick. Even if Karma did knock there was no telling how quickly she'd fling open that door. Amy had plain thin grey sleep pants and an old sweater with a cut-off neck. She threw her hair up so it wouldn't drip and she crawled back onto Karma's bed, hugging her pillow and turning in towards the wall so that she could feel the cold of it with her palm and pretend that this was the only feeling in all the world.

When Karma came back she had warm bagels and a single travel-sized coffee cup.

"I wasn't sure what you'd want," she sat down in front of Amy on the bed, turning inward. Amy turned over and took the bagel from Karma's hand. Surprisingly she wasn't hungry at all. Perhaps it was all the memories or the way she woke up. Amy quelled that memory from before. The one of her mother treating her like a precious jewel, an irreplaceable comfort.

Karma stared at her there. Amy seemed listless, off in her own place. Karma watched how she took the bagel but couldn't move to bring it up to her mouth. She was propped up on her side on her hand and staring off into nothing, seeing things that were not there. It was like she was dreaming while awake. Karma wanted to hug her and bring her back to life. But that was weird right? That would be weird.

"Did I do something?" Karma asked, thinking the worst. "Are you okay?"

"You did good today," Amy said sitting up and changing the subject. She crossed her legs Indian-style and made herself be sociable, ever-present. Karma felt Amy's hands on hers, she looked down to see as Amy took the cup from her hands and moved it to her lips.

"Careful!" Karma warned, watching Amy's eyes. "It's really hot." Amy winced and let in the liquid. It _was_ hot! _ And_ bitter!

"Karma, there's like nothing in this," Amy chuckled.

"I didn't know what you'd like…" Karma said apologetically.

"Sugar… Cream… Normal things," Amy smiled sarcastically.

"Fine, give it back," Karma said, standing and taking it away.

"No wait," Amy smiled pulling Karma back towards her by her wrist. She stopped herself though once Karma got close. Stopped the feeling she was having, the irresistible urge that crept up like a sweet little song.

"What?" Karma laughed. She was blushing. She noticed how happy Amy had been for a second. It was like she came back down from wherever she had been all day.

"It's nothing," Amy said trying to stop the thoughts again, the ones that said _don't be stupid, Amy. You know you can never be happy_. _Not this way_. Despite the thoughts she let her hand fall softly into Karma's hand so that she could hold it, if only for a second. "I wanna come with you," Amy said.

"Okay, come on," Karma pulled, yanking her up. Amy walked behind her holding that bagel in her other hand. It was a lame cover up. What she wanted to say had been, _I want to kiss you_. She shook it off feeling dizzy. She saw Shane sitting at a booth and pulled in across from him while Karma dug for sugar in the drawers. She still had no clue where most of the necessary things were.

Shane smiled at Amy like he knew every one of her secrets. He had seen her hand in Karma's and that look on her face. She rolled her eyes at him still smiling and breathing in like she had been caught red handed having feelings and dreams like a normal fucking person in this normal fucking world. She hadn't been this happy in over a year. Shane knew that. He was with her most of the time. She never smiled this much, not ever.

He was writing in a notebook. He laid it down to reveal a single question written in wet black ink on a surprisingly blank page.

"So, how is she?" The question stared back at Amy. It pestered her. She leaned forward and stole his pen.

"Too adorable," she wrote, dropping the pen helplessly to the page and holding her flushed face in her hands. She looked nervous and Shane tried to contain his joy. He loved seeing her like this. She deserved happiness. She deserved it so much.

"Oh, boy…" He wrote.

"I know…" She wrote back. He reached down and pulled another pen from his pocket.

"This stuff only happens to us." They both laughed, not talking, trading the pad back and forth. Karma saw from the counter and smiled, they were so cute. They looked like brother and sister, playing games alone and giggling without words.

"We're cursed!" Amy wrote.

"The Captain's daughter?" He asked.

"The daughter of Captains?" Amy smiled.

"Do you think she likes you too?" It was the question she wished she hadn't been asking herself almost constantly. Danger. That question meant danger. To answer it could be danger. She didn't want it in here. She didn't want to ever know.

"What do you think?" Amy asked with honest questioning within her eyes. She leaned down on her hand and stared feeling helpless. If she was happy before, now she was contemplative.

Karma walked near and Shane scrambled to hide his notebook. He sat up and drank from his coffee mug.

"How was your first day?" He asked.

"It was fine," Karma sighed, scooting in next to Amy and squeezing her leg just to be friendly. Shane watched as Amy's expression went from normal nervous to OH DEAR GOD SOMEONE SAVE ME I AM DYING!

The body language was very telling. The booths were long but Karma was so close to her. _As close as she could possibly get_, Shane noted. Their arms and legs had to be touching and Karma's face was flushed like she loved it all, being close. If Shane had to guess right then he'd say _YES. YES. UNDENIABLY YES_. Girls were close but they weren't usually that close. Especially strangers who hadn't known each other for more than a few days. These girls were having vibes.

His eyes darted over to Amy, wanting to speak, wanting to tell her. She tried to read them but they were serious and they were unfortunately not filled with legible words like that notebook at his side. Amy was bad at reading Shane. He could be telling her any number of things.

"You did better than I did," Shane said.

"Oh God!" Amy laughed bringing her hands up to cover her face. Shane's first trip out had been a disaster. Some of the crew had changed since then and that was good. Benji was gone. He couldn't make it this time since he went back to California to chase his dream of working on the screen.

"What?" Karma smiled.

"Shane's first day he threw up everywhere, right on the deck."

"I'd never been on a boat! I lied to your parents, worked my way in." It was embarrassing. "It was rainy and gross and Benji was trying to spook me. They tied a rope around my waist and told me that sometimes people fall over the side so it's just a precaution. I WAS MORTIFIED!" Amy took the mug from Karma and sipped, enjoying the memory of it all and Shane's infectious smile that warmed her heart.

"They were awful," she smiled fondly. She was wrapped up in the memory of something new that wasn't dark. Since then Shane had been exemplary. Things were fine until she felt Karma's hand on her arm and sliding downward, holding on to her in the crook of her elbow, touching her skin softly and lovingly, taking her, owning her, having her just there, being this touch she couldn't deny or send away. There was so much intention, so much thought. Karma touched because she wanted to. Karma was around her because she cared.

That chuckle, _my God_, it was sweet. Karma loved when Amy laughed. Her laugh was adorable, so honest, so very Amy. _And her smile, God, _Karma thought. She couldn't take it all, it was too much. She was drowning in her, especially now that she could see she made her smile at least once today. Amy had been so distant and strange all day. They woke up and she was all business and then with the shower and knowing that Amy had been standing without moving. Amy was gone somewhere. She had been through something that Karma couldn't just guess about.

Amy coughed and sat up straight. She remembered her bagel and began to eat it, making a mess. There was too much cream cheese and she kept having to scoop it off with her fingers and lick them clean. The cream cheese was actually quite good.

"Everyone has been super nice." Karma said. "I'm starting to think that everyone should live on a boat."

Just then her mom came into the kitchen.

"There they are, all my babies." They all smiled the embarrassed smile of being young and trying not to care about the love they all wanted and reveled in equally from the adults in their lives. "I was thinking of a cake, what do you think?" Mrs. Ashcroft asked.

"What's the occasion?" Amy asked. Baking was hard on a boat since you could never stay at just level. The cakes on the boat always came out lopsided and strange but they were warm and they tasted like heaven and Amy would make them every day if she didn't think people would judge her for that. Plus she hated dishes.

"How about you three?" Mrs. Ashcroft smiled. There didn't need to be an occasion but the real answer was obviously Karma.

"How 'bout Karma," Amy asked.

"Why yes, how about her." Amy saw a twinkle in Mrs. Ashcroft's eye, a proud tear that held itself beautifully at bay because it was used to doing so, used to sitting there loud and proud. The Ashcroft's were too nice to publicly play favorites. Even with their own flesh and blood they hesitated because they wanted it more.

"Can I help?" Karma stood up and pushed the sleeves on her hoodie up until they almost reached her elbows, giving her arms room to breathe.

"Oh no, if it's for you, that'd just be wrong!"

"What about me then?" Amy asked, standing.

"Well, alright," Mrs. Ashcroft said.

"Please, I want to?" Karma begged.

"My, you two sure have a lot of energy left. And here I thought you'd both be out cold because of your long night on the water." They both looked at each other and blushed. What did Mrs. Ashcroft even know of their night on the water? What did it mean? What was that jest?

Shane watched it all from the table, drinking and noting the intrigue. He wanted to draw them just there with his pen. But his eyes felt heavy so he removed himself, feeling light.

"Good luck you two," he said, walking off down the hall. Karma wondered where he was going. She hadn't even toured the ship yet, not really. She knew about the common room and the control room and her room of course. She intimately knew her own room. There was the shower and the kitchen and the storage room where Amy sang with her yesterday. A blush came to her cheeks. _The shower_, she thought. Absentmindedly, she looked down at Amy's hand. Was it odd to want to be holding it?

"Alright you two, we'll make Nana's cake," Mrs. Ashcroft said. Karma watched feeling happy_. Nana's cake?_ It was always a joke. Karma's mom reached into a cupboard and pulled out a Betty Crocker chocolate cake mix. To be fair, it was the kind that her Nana did love.

Amy busied herself. She got a bowl and two eggs. She knew the boat only had the same cake mixes. She never thought in a million years that Karma's mom would actually want to do something from scratch. They'd all tried once and made a fantastic mess. Flour fell all over, eggs cracked uselessly onto the floor. When the boat got pounded with waves it was hard to stand, let alone bake a cake.

"I'm so glad you pulled out a mix," Amy scoffed, noticing it there.

"Nana loved this!" Mrs. Ashcroft smiled. "Come on now get some scissors." Amy found them and handed them over. Karma watched impatiently as her mom tried to cut the plastic bag with the dull useless scissors.

"Here, let me," Karma said.

"Baby, I've got it," Mrs. Ashcroft fought.

"Fine, fine," Karma said, backing away. Her mom gave up and handed the bag over to Amy. Amy took a knife and made a slit. Karma watched feeling both jealous and proud. It was weird the mixed emotions. She loved Amy and she loved her mom. But still even now she was on the outside looking in.

Amy poured the mix into the bowl and turned back to Karma.

"Wanna crack the eggs?" She asked. She knew Karma so well now. It was almost crazy how well she knew. She knew that when Karma's mom refused to let her help and then handed things over to Amy, she knew that Karma would feel that tinge of jealousy and almost sadness from it all.

"Thanks," Karma said, stepping up and taking the egg from Amy's hand. She cracked it on the counter and used both hands to separate it and drop it in. Amy stood over her shoulder and waited. Amy could smell Karma now like she smelt her bed before. Just inches from her she wished she could just hold her, scoop her to her and hug her tight.

Karma's mom rummaged through the cupboard to try and find oil, it was the last thing they'd need.

"Are you okay?" Amy asked, stepping behind Karma and holding her briefly with two hands on her waist. Karma felt Amy's voice at her ear. She felt the closeness in the space and the kindness in her, the concern. For Amy to touch her at all was important. Karma felt it in the place where Amy touched, the intention and the care and the knowledge that this wasn't just rare this was tender and done with purpose. A carefully placed hand had been placed on her hip. Amy had a way of keeping herself controlled. They weren't the same, they were so very different. By now Karma was sure. By now, Karma knew it well. For Amy to touch her, Amy would have to want that with every fiber of her being. The thought of it all made her shiver with joy. She closed her eyes and swallowed slow, trying not to get lost.

"I'm sorry, I'm just-" She felt flustered. Her brain and heart were both fighting her.

"Don't be sorry," Amy said. Amy knew what it was about.

"It's not you-"

"I know," Amy said, letting go of her and turning to help Karma's mom.

"Here you go," Mrs. Ashcroft said. Amy wiped her nose briefly and tried to put on her most optimistic face. Behind her Karma felt frazzled and strained. She almost wished she hadn't offered to help. Her mother made her feel so useless sometimes. She didn't mean to but she did. Karma backed away, washing her hands of it all. She left the bowl where it was and felt bad about leaving Amy. This wasn't about her though, it really wasn't.

"Okay, now we mix," Mrs. Ashcroft said.

"I-I'm not feeling well," Karma said, holding her stomach.

"Oh no, dear, what's wrong?"

"I- I think it's the waves. I'm not used to this," she said, rubbing a hand across her brow. Amy watched feeling responsible. She wished she hadn't offered to help. Maybe if she wasn't there things would've gone fine. If she hadn't of been there Karma and her mom could've talked and been alone.

"Do you want me to come?" Amy asked.

"No, don't be silly," Karma said. "I just need to lie down. You stay." Amy didn't want to stay, not now.

Karma walked off toward the room and disappeared inside without as much as a glance.

"Wonder what that was about," Mrs. Ashcroft said.

"It's her first week," Amy covered. "The waves are rough if you've never been on a boat."

"Well, we know all about that, don't we," Mrs. Ashcroft smiled feeling pained. "Here ya go, doll," she handed Amy the whisk and the bowl and disappeared off somewhere else. There was a glass pan on the stove just waiting to be filled. Amy looked around and knew it was just her again, her and the cake. She had been roped in and then ditched. Used and then tossed aside.

She mixed the cake and felt angry. _Why couldn't people just show love without hurting one another?! Why couldn't things just be easy and simple?! Why couldn't the Ashcroft's treat their daughter with extra care?! _

She whipped the mixture angrily until it was thick. Pouring it into the pan, she watched as it settled. It wasn't like the ocean, there weren't waves and dips. All she saw was ripples and the smoothness of it all. She stared a while feeling responsible. Irrationally she wished she had screamed and left before Karma could even think to feel bad.

She tucked the pan in the over and left. _Fuck it all_, she thought_. Just fuck it all. _


	7. Chapter 7

_*been busy and i have a lot of stories goin' so it's kind of hard to keep a good pace. all that being said, i still love this story and hope to keep going!*_

_*song: This Side by Nickel Creek_

**Chapter Seven**

**There's No Place To Hide And I'm Nothing But Scared**

**Part I**

When she got to the room Amy was surprised to see that instead of moping or crying Karma was sitting up on the top bunk with her legs crossed and a ukulele in her hands.

"Hi," Amy said, walking into the room. She didn't know what to do but she wanted to help. She knew that Karma had left because of the third-wheel feel.

"Hi," Karma smiled sheepishly, hiding her eyes in her hair. She was tuning the little instrument and setting to play a little just for kicks. Whenever she got lonely she would sing. Because of that Karma knew an awful lot of songs, an awful lot.

"I didn't mean-"

"Oh, God, Amy, don't," Karma almost laughed. "That was her, not you. You have to know."

"It didn't seem intentional," Amy smiled.

"But does it matter?" Karma asked sweetly. She couldn't expect Amy to understand. Whatever Amy had been through with her own family, that was all a mystery to Karma.

"I don't know…" Amy said. She played with her fingers in the rail of the bed. She didn't want to sit or walk away. She didn't know what she wanted to do.

"Is my mom still out there?" Karma asked.

"She left right after you…" Amy confessed.

"Wow.. That's just great…" _So Amy was left with the cake_, Karma thought. After all that Amy was left to do the work.

"It's fine," Amy shrugged, she was used to being the one to pick up the slack and finish the things that others started without so much as a care.

"It's not though," Karma smiled feeling heated and actually a little bit angry.

"She wanted to make you a cake and she got overwhelmed."

"So you made me a cake," Karma smiled.

"I guess so," Amy laughed.

"You're too cute," Karma smiled.

"Stop," Amy said, with a tight-lipped smile. It was flirtation, it was.

"I don't want to stop," Karma smiled. "Why don't you come up here?"

"What for?" Amy asked.

"I wanna play a song, you can help me sing."

"Just because you like to sing doesn't mean I should do it all the time."

"Fine, fine," I'll just sing in my head.

"Don't," Amy said. She loved Karma's voice, she craved it now.

"Why not?"

"I like when you sing."

"In the shower before…"

"Huh?" Amy asked.

"Nothing," Karma said. She was scared of ruining it, the honesty and the mood. Sometimes she'd look at Amy and just know she probably shouldn't ask something or do something or move in a way or look at her like she wanted to.

"No, what?" Amy asked, pushing her to be herself and act on impulse. She didn't like knowing that Karma had thoughts she was holding back.

"You weren't moving. When I sang."

"Oh…." Amy thought. Of course she was unaware that Karma had been watching her then. After the work day and the cold and all the trying to be normal around every single one of the crew, Amy felt lost in the shower, lost in her loneliness. It was weird but she felt that out there. She felt it so often, that painful thought that eventhough there were people all around, she was alone, undeniably alone.

"Was it me? I haven't-" Karma tried to ask, knowing not what Amy had been feeling then or now.

"No, it wasn't you." Amy stopped Karma's thoughts before they could form into words. "It was that dream, that memory. I couldn't stop thinking about my mom."

"Probably doesn't make it so easy with my Mom gushing all over me."

"No, stop. You deserve to be gushed over. Everybody does..." Why would Karma be feeling that? Amy wished she could take it away. Every time she opened up something like this would happen. There would be a fight or a need for much more questions to suddenly have answers, and voiced ones at that.

She began to feel uncomfortable again and she hated herself for wanting to not be alone but also having such a hard time inviting others in.

"What happened.. Will you ever tell me?"

"I want to but…" Amy tried to calm herself. She remembered what had just happened and Karma's day. It helped to think of someone else and put herself in someone else's shoes. Karma's life wasn't easy either and sadly that helped Amy a lot to think about.

"But?" Karma smirked.

"But it's not easy. It's not fun."

"Oh," Karma sighed, Amy looked like she was growing more and more uncomfortable with the conversation and Karma began to notice. Any number of things could've happened back then. "Were you pregnant?" Karma asked meekly, not looking while she did.

"Holy shit! No!" Amy gasped. Why would she go there?

"It happens," Karma shrugged, looking up at her sweetly.

"Were you pregnant?!" Amy almost yelled, a smile danced teasingly behind her aghast expression and Karma could see it all there. It was amusing.

"No," Karma laughed, a scoff. She dropped the uke and wished that Amy was next to her, holding her. Her cheeks flushed at the secret thought. It would be lovely if it was happening but it wasn't. She felt exacerbated really, all she wanted was to be held again. Or maybe to be kissed, maybe that. She smirked to herself after feeling embarrassed and flustered. Amy noticed, she noticed it all. Only she had no idea what it all meant. All she could tell was that Karma was thinking things, secret things.

"What was that?!" Amy asked, walking close to her and hanging over the bunk, wanting to be close to her.

"I just like you," Karma shrugged bashfully, forcing herself to look away. She'd like nothing more than to stare but _Amy must know by now, she must_, Karma thought.

"Was I pregnant?!" Amy scoffed again, not able to forget it. The thought was actually quite laughable. "Is that really what you thought happened to me?"

"I didn't think, not really," Karma said. "But you're such a lovely person. You don't do anything wrong. You're nice to everyone. You've made me feel comfortable, I know that."

"That's really sweet," Amy said, her eyes softly closing and opening again. It was that look that Karma loved, that look that meant love and fondness and tenderness and _US_.

"So, are you going to tell me?"

Amy coughed, clearing her throat. "Uh, not today?" Amy asked, trying to dodge it as best as she could. The story was short but painful and it would involve Amy coming out to Karma, which was something she wasn't sure she should do. Karma seemed to adore her but how would she feel if she knew? They had slept together… What if she got mad once she knew?

Amy felt the sudden necessary need to be elsewhere.

"I better go check on the cake."

"But, you just put it in," Karma said.

"Yeah, I know, but the boat shifts and the oven is pretty crappy," Amy lied.

"Okay," Karma shrugged almost sadly. "Don't be a stranger."

"I am sorry about your mom," Amy said, placing a hand on Karma's and feeling as Karma placed her other hand ontop, touching her fondly.

"You have nothing to be sorry about."

"I know, it's just-"

"Amy, seriously… You're an angel, stop."

"K," Amy shrugged, forcing herself to look away. Her face was starting to get red and she felt herself growing nervous. She took to the door and left without looking back.

Karma was changing her, making her want to try for something again, something that could hurt her.

**Part II**

Amy disappeared into the kitchen and left quickly after. She couldn't take knowing that Karma could come out to find her and things could be just as confusing and hard as they were before in the room. She was trying to be the person she once was but nothing could bring her old self back. Hope was almost lost and fear was very strong in her, very strong.

Out in the common room it was empty. Shane was sitting on the comfy old chair and the tv was off.

"What the hell am I doing?" Amy asked, plopping herself down dramatically on the couch until she had taken up the whole thing and sent her gaze up to the boring white roof. She got one look at the ceiling and covered her eyes with her hands. Everything about this was frustrating.

"You're living," Shane smiled. He shut his notebook and sat up to look at her. She seemed distraught but also happy. Amy was rarely happy. This was all very new. "She makes you happy," he said.

"Yeah but at what cost?!" Amy scoffed, sitting up. She was so happy just to have someone who cared. It was true that Shane cared but this was different, she had feelings for her.

Amy sat up and held her head in her hands.

"Come on Amy, you've got nothing to lose."

"Yeah, except for this feeling," Amy said feeling choked. She pointed to her chest when she said it and Shane saw and understood.

"You can't hide yourself forever," he said knowingly. "You can't keep telling yourself that it doesn't matter because it does!" He stood up and walked over to her, patting her on the head before leaving the room.

"Fuck," Amy sighed.

Karma had heard from the hall. Only the last bit with the swearing.

"You okay?" She asked, coming over to sit by her. She noticed how stressed she seemed. It wasn't like Amy to hold her head in her hands and curse without meaning.

"I just, I dunno," Amy said. "I'm fine." She lied.

"Maybe we should watch a movie?" Karma asked.

"Okay," Amy said. She rarely watched movies but she was sure she had seen every single one of the VHS tapes on the Gypsy Queen.

Karma got up and went over to the tapes. Amy watched her sit in front of them and browse with her legs behind tucked behind her. She was starting to only see how cute she was. It was starting to get worse and she couldn't stop.

"Fuck," she said again under her breath.

"Amy, are you sure you're okay?" Karma asked, hearing a bit of it and reacting in turn.

"No Karma, I'm not okay," Amy confessed, holding her face in one hand. "I'm not okay but there's nothing I can do and I can't talk about it, not yet at least."

"Well, is there anything I can do to cheer you up?"

"Just pretend I'm fine, please?"

"Okay, if that's what you want."

"It is," Amy said, knowing full well it was an absurd request, especially with her obvious mood.

"What about this one?" Karma asked, holding up the VHS of The Muppets Christmas Carol.

"That one?" Amy laughed.

"What?" Karma was about to be offended, she checked the cover to make sure she had picked it out right.

"Oh nothing, that's just my favorite is all."

"It is?" Karma beamed.

"Yes, it is…" Amy shrugged, laying back down and taking up the whole of the couch. Not only did she like her, they had things in common, too many things.

"I wish you would talk to me," Karma said, noticing her huffy unhappy mood. She put the movie in and pressed play. It was funny because Amy was a compulsive rewinder. Sometimes when she was bored she'd go through the tapes and check them all, making she they were rewound. Most people didn't know about this. Karma's dad knew though, he had caught her once and tried to talk about it. He went off on some long story about the time he was into movie making for a spell. Amy tried to put it out of her head but it was all there, the memories.

"I can't talk to you about this," Amy became serious. She felt like crying but she wouldn't be doing that, not now. The shower had helped, she could put it off till much later.

"You can talk to me about anything," Karma said, walking back to her and standing over her until Amy moved her legs.

Karma sat down and pulled Amy's legs out until they were straight and on her lap. She held Amy's legs ontop of her and Amy gulped in her fear. Karma's hands felt good and they calmed her because they were on her, keeping her there, wanting her to stay.

"Is this okay?" Karma asked nervously. She wanted to be touching her more but Amy's position didn't really leave room for that. Amy just shook her head and Karma could only hope that she really meant what she silently agreed to mean.

The movie began and the music came in. It was excellent music and they both knew it by heart. Amy could quote the whole film but since Karma was holding her she felt calm and in no need to entertain herself or show off.

About 20 minutes in Karma's mom came by and smiled down at them just there. She took the cake out of the oven to cool and made them some popcorn to snack on.

As the room grew darker and both of them refused to move and turn on a light, Amy couldn't stop herself staring at Karma by her on the couch.

"Are you watching me or the movie?" Karma asked after she had noticed Amy staring.

"Oh, sorry, I think I'm tired," Amy said.

"We don't have to watch it, is it really your favorite?" Karma asked looking down.

"It is," Amy said, taking Karma's hand in her own and linking her fingers with hers, pushing her thumb into Karma's palm and rubbing her warmly, wanting not to move, wanting it not to end.

"I still really want you to talk to me," Karma said, seeming sad. She looked down at Amy and in the half-light it almost looked like she had tears in her eyes.

"I can't do that," Amy said. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, it's just…"

"Hard," Amy said, finishing Karma's thought.

"Yeah," Karma sighed. "You know everything about me."

"I only know a little," Amy said. "I wish I knew more."

"I'll tell you anything, anything at all," Karma urged, moving closer to Amy and wanting her to ask.

"I don't want to rush knowing you, this is nice," Amy said.

The light switched on and they both felt their eyes squint at the unpleasant feel of the brightness.

"I'm going to frost the cake!" Karma's mom said. "Can I get a helper?" Amy made sure to stay down.

"Sure!" Karma said. She felt bad letting go of Amy so she held her hand extra long causing Amy to sit up. "You coming?" She asked.

"No, you go," Amy said. She didn't want another incident like before.

**Part III**

Once the cake was done Karma's dad got on the PA and called for everyone to the dining room. Most people showed up. The only two who didn't were sleeping like logs.

"Alright! I want everyone to welcome my baby on board! Karma this is everyone! Everyone, this is Karma!"

"HI KARMAAAAA!" The entire crew joked. They were like a family, a wacky one.

"Can we have cake now?" One of the boys asked.

"I think we should sing something," Karma's mom surprised them by saying.

"Mom, you don't have to," Karma tried to stop it before it could begin.

"What do you think Amy?"

"Sounds good to me," Amy smiled. Karma looked like she could use a boost, she could use a song. "but what should we sing?"

"How about Happy Birthday? We all know that!" Shane laughed.

"Happy birthday it is!" Karma's mom said. She placed candles into the cake and began to light them. When they were almost all the way lit Shane started it up.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR KAAAAAARRRRMAAAAAA," they all sang loudly bringing tears to her eyes. Karma couldn't help but get lost in their eyes, every one of them. They were all so happy to have her. Karma couldn't remember the last time she had this many people singing to her. Karma wasn't sure that had ever happened. She couldn't help it she started to cry. They were happy tears sort of, at least they sure looked that way to everyone else. "HAPPY BIRTHHHHHDAAAAYYY TOOOOO YOOOOOOUUUUUU!"

They all clapped and hollered. There was a second where they just stared because Karma hadn't done the thin that people normally do. She hadn't blown out the candles, instead she was smiling and wiping her eyes.

"Blow out the candles!" Shane said, pushing the cake close to her and watching as Amy put a hand on Karma's back to help her get close.

"One," Amy said.

"Two," Karma said with her.

"Three!" They both blew.

They got every candle on the cake and the whole gang cheered.

"To my baby Karma! Let's eat!" Mrs. Ashcroft called.

Amy helped to plate things but she gave Karma the very first piece and walked her to a booth to help her sit down.

"I hope that wasn't too embarrassing."

"No, it was…" Karma didn't have a word. It was perfect. It was a dream. It was everything she'd been missing in life. A family, friends, love, constant affection. "Go, it's okay," she said, ushering Amy away. Karma sat alone with her cake and watched Amy reluctantly walk back to help her mom cut the pieces and dole them out one by one. Amy looked back at her nervously, sucking the frosting off of her thumb and wondering what that had been about.

"Is she okay?" Mrs. Ashcroft asked, noticing Amy's attitude and how she was nervous for Karma, almost patient and fully-aware of Karma's mood like a stranger really couldn't be. She noticed that and she noticed Karma's face, her eyes, her body language and everything about her. She knew her daughter despite not really knowing her. She knew her well.

"I think she's sad," Amy said, not realizing she had said it out loud.

There was a silence between Amy and Mrs. Ashcroft. It was a telling silence, a silence that could only mean _I know_.

Amy cut a few more slices before Mrs. Ashcroft put one on a place and handed it to her.

"Go, make her smile," Mrs. Ashcroft said with tears in her eyes.

"But, why don't you-"

"She likes you, go," Mrs. Ashcroft said, pushing Amy away.

It was weird but right but weird.

"Are you okay?" Amy asked again.

"I'm not, no. Not really."

"Wanna talk about it?" Amy asked. She had slid into the booth and took a piece of cake up into her mouth. It was delicious.

"Not really, no," Karma said.

"Well…" Amy said.

"Well…" Karma mirrored.

Karma looked up at her and smiled.

"The cake's good."

"It is!" Amy smiled. Neither of them had eaten cake in a long while.

"I hope you don't hate me for having these weird moods."

"Karma, I was just in a mood."

"I know but…"

"But?"

"You know what I mean."

"I mean that it's normal and I wouldn't want you to lie or be fake around me."

"That's sweet," Karma smiled, looking down at her cake. "how do you do that?" She asked almost bitterly, a flush of pink coating her cheeks.

"What?" Amy asked.

"You just sort of make me happy, like it's no big deal."

"I dunno," Amy shrugged, blushing.

"Can't you just let me be mad?" Karma asked, smiling.

"Oh," Amy said, looking down. She picked her plate up and started to leave but Karma pushed her plate back down.

"I WAS KIDDING!" Karma said, staring right at her.

"Oh," Amy laughed nervously.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you nervous."

"It's okay," Amy said.

They sat in near silence and ate their cake. Every now and then they would look up and smile at one another. They both listened to the boys as they talked all around them.

Karma wished she had pulled herself into the booth next to Amy. The longer she sat on the other side of her the stronger that urge was. She got up and it made Amy nervous.

"Scoot," Karma said, standing by Amy and pushing her inside. Amy moved and let her sit by her.

"You're so weird," Amy shrugged.

"I want to be close to you."

"You're always close to me," Amy noted.

"I want to be closer."

"Fine," Amy said, looking down and trying not to convey her happiness.

Mrs. Ashcroft brought them another piece, this time it was larger.

"You can split," she said, placing it down and taking their dirty empty plates.

"So, how does it feel?" Amy asked.

"What?" Karma asked, picking at the cake and eating it slow. She was leaning on her hand and facing Amy, she wished it was just the two of them and no one else.

"Having a family again and a birthday song and a cake."

"I told you I didn't want to talk about it," Karma warned.

"Sorry," Amy felt bad.

"Don't be sorry," Karma said again, this time she was angry that Amy kept apologizing for things that weren't her fault. She tucked her hand down to her side and laid a hand down on Amy's thigh, as if to calm her. Amy blushed a little but said nothing. "Does it make you sad?" Karma asked, turning the focus back to her friend.

"No, not really. I'm used to it." She'd been through many other birthdays on the ship since the last one she shared with her family.

"Now that I'm depressed will you tell me what you did to end up here?" Karma pushed, squeezing a little at Amy's leg and watching as she tensed.

"Uh, I don't think you'll like me if I tell you."

"Amy," Karma smiled. "How could I not like you? I love you…" She said simply. The words were strange but lovely. They hit Amy's ears and swarmed inside of her like butterflies or that feeling you get on a carnival ride that's meant to make you dizzy.

"You love me? That's a little strong."

"I love you, I do." Karma smiled. "I think I loved you when I met you."

"When you met me I was an asshole, or did you forget?"

"You weren't an asshole," Karma said.

Amy had to look at her now. There was something about her, something so honest.

"I- I was in love with a girl," Amy said. Unable to contain it any more.

"A girl?" Karma asked, her eyebrow rising without her control.

Amy scooted over further into the booth until she was hitting the wall and she put her feet up on the bench so that Karma couldn't come any closer, just in case. Lots of things could happen now. Karma was probably going to start acting weird.

"Yeah, a girl… Her name was Laura."

"How old were you?" Karma asked.

"It was three years ago," Amy said, looking down. Karma could see how nervous she was. She brought her hand up to Amy's and held them.

"You don't have to be nervous," Karma said. "Tell me, please."

"It's… It's hard to talk about. My parents weren't okay with it."

"How close were you?" Karma asked.

"Me and them or me and her?"

"Both," Karma asked. Amy didn't think this would ever be this hard.

"Can we not talk about this? I feel like I'm gonna cry…" Amy confessed.

"Shit, I'm sorry. That's a really big deal... I'm really sorry," Karma wasn't sure what she had been expecting but it hadn't been that.

She moved out of the booth and stood by it so that Amy could get out.

Amy crawled out and stood for a second unsure of what to do. When Karma had nothing to say Amy decided to go to her room. For once Karma didn't follow but it was only because the cake had been for her and her mom was still in the kitchen slaving away.


	8. Chapter 8

_*song: On Your Shore by Charlotte Martin*_

_***warning: talk of suicide***_

_*warning: shit's about to get heavy*_

_*I dunno how I really feel about this chapter but I think I want things to go like this so I guess I'll just let it be*_

**Chapter Eight**

**I Washed On Your Shore, Barely Alive**

**Part I**

Going back to the room was sort of unbearable. Amy had said the thing she had fought so hard to keep secret. She wasn't even sure why she had said it! It was probably her mood and the day and the way it was hard to keep secrets from Karma, like really hard. It was because Karma said she loved her. That was it. She knew it could be the only reason. For once she wasn't over-thinking because Karma had said that. Karma had said that she loved her.

In the kitchen, Karma was trying to act normal. She found her mom and dad and thanked them for the cake even though she couldn't finish it. Just eating what she ate had been a challenge. Sadness and hunger just never seemed to mix well with her. As soon as Amy talked Karma knew she couldn't eat one bite more, at least, not without her.

"Are you okay sweetheart? Did we do something?"

"I'm fine," Karma pretended. "Just tired."

"Sweetie, you can talk to us." She couldn't though. She couldn't talk to them. Every time she tried to talk to them the conversation would turn. They never heard her, at least not the way she intended them too. And the distance had made everything worse until now it was just confusing. How was Karma supposed to talk to them when they had reached a point in their relationship where there was so much to say it would kill her to even try to begin? It was stifling, the thought. There was no possible way to catch up without blowing up in their faces and causing a huge argument and a giant fight. Karma didn't want that, she never wanted that but her feelings were what they were. Her parents had left her alone for much too long. It had been all wrong and she was almost certain they weren't aware of what they had done to her emotionally, how they had marred her for the future and shaped her into a certain type of needy person because they weren't there.

"I told you, it's nothing," she tried to stay light. "It's just been a long time since I had a welcome like that."

"We're a big crew," her father joked.

"Yes, we are," Karma said, including herself to let them know that she knew she was one of them now. There was a long awkward pause and the Ashcroft's exchanged a soft heartfelt look. "So, what do you know about Amy's situation?" Karma asked. She was going to try and be a little more sly about it but there hadn't been time and that bomb had just been dropped. Amy was bad with the talking, she only let out a few things at a time and Karma grasped them with both hands and cherished them, trying to bleed something more out of it since it was solid.

"Her situation?" Karma's dad asked strangely. "Well," he joked. "She's your roommate. She lives on a boat. And she apparently likes it!" He added at last.

"No, not that situation," Karma smiled. "Her family, why is she here?"

"We know a lot about that but I'm sure the only person who knows everything is Amy," Karma's mom said.

"What happened?"

"Well, dear, I think that's for Amy to say, not us."

"Oh," Karma said. It was rude to ask, she just wanted to get it out so that she could help. "I just want to help her. She's obviously sad."

"She is?" Karma's mom asked.

"Yeah, I think so." In her mind Karma's mom couldn't help but feel something good. Amy had said the same thing about Karma not more than a few minutes ago. The girls already cared for one another and that in itself was a gift. It told her everything she needed to know about her daughter. Her daughter hadn't changed, she was still the caring girl she always had been.

"She's seemed happier lately," Karma's mom said. "You should've seen her before."

"What was she like before?"

"She never smiled much, for one," Karma's dad said, walking over to a booth and sitting down. Karma followed and sat across from him, moving just enough so her mom could fit in.

"So this is Amy happy?" Karma asked.

"This is Amy healing…" Her mom explained calmly. "A lot of things can happen in a person's life. You know that," her mom pushed. Karma's parents loved to talk about healing and the spirit. They loved to talk about anything having to do with passion and love. They loved love!

"Jeez…" Karma sighed. Her mom handed her a mug of hot coffee and Karma drank from it.

"Amelia is going through the hardest journey of her life and you've just caught the tail end."

"How do you know?"

"How often does one fall in love for the first time? In fact, how often does one fall in love?" Her father asked. "Have you fallen in love?"

"No," Karma said, grimacing and feeling awkward. "Not that I'd tell you," she confessed.

How could she fall in love when there was no one around to even talk to? Sadly, she knew she was lying. And to her parents! Of all people… Her feelings for Amy were growing strong and they had always included a want to be touching her, always. They were never confusing, just sweet. She pulled the mug to her lips and sipped slowly trying not to seem as pensive as she was. Was it irrational to be mad that Amy had kept things secret for so long? It had only been a few days but this was a very big secret. Karma was already starting to see that Amy had kept this secret because she didn't trust Karma not to react negatively and that actually really hurt. It was irrational. They had only known each other for a couple of days. _Why did it feel like more?_ Karma wondered. She wished she could know.

"It's not just that, dear," her mom butt in. "Amy has loved and lost. Not just her first love but her loyal loves as well. Her family, her whole family. Can you even imagine that?"

"Her mom," Karma said, trying not to watch her parents as they talked.

"Yes, her mom…" Mrs. Ashcroft noticed that Karma obviously knew only bits and pieces, the girls were growing close. Their plan to have them room together had gone swimmingly. Both the girls needed company, it was so obvious.

Inside her room, Amy was hiding her face in her pillow and trying hard not to cry. She had screamed a few times but it didn't help. She pulled her headphones out of her drawer and turned some music on. It had been a while since she did her normal thing.

It wasn't working anymore. She couldn't hide knowing that Karma was away somewhere on the boat, away on purpose for the very first time. She tried to read and zone-out but it was all too hard. Eventually she turned into the wall and hugged her pillow. She cried though she didn't want to. She cried though she had fought it off for at least two hours.

She cried until she fell asleep and when she woke again it was late at night, early in the morning. 2:13 it was 2:13. She heard music softly playing, sleepy music, a woman's dreamy voice. It was a recording.

But more than that she felt something as she moved. Karma's arm was around her and her body behind her, she was hugging her tight.

"Karma?" Amy asked, turning around to see her. She had been sleeping but Amy woke her. "Sorry, I didn't know you were asleep."

"It's okay," Karma said, her expression somewhat serious. Amy watched as Karma stared. "Sorry I didn't follow you." Karma surveyed her expression slowly, hoping that Amy was okay but knowing that there was no way she could be, not with all of her fears and sadness.

"It's okay," Amy said. It was the one time that Karma really should've followed her but Amy understood. Karma was probably shocked.

"It's not really. I should've made sure you were okay." When Karma got to the room she had seen Amy and known. There was no way Amy hadn't cried. She was curled up in a ball and when she moved to hold her she felt the wetness of tears on her pillow. It was enough to break her heart and keep her awake.

"I'm fine," Amy lied.

"You're not though," Karma nudged, taking Amy's hand and holding it. Karma knew that she wasn't. She knew it was a lie. In her mind she made a note of Amy's face. _So this is what she looks like when she's lying_, Karma thought sadly.

Amy felt like crying. Karma didn't care about her past. That was the biggest thing she had been worried about. What if Karma thought she was weird and didn't want to be in the same room anymore? That was the main thought and she knew now that it had been ridiculous.

"You can talk to me, you know. I can tell that you're scared. Alone," Karma swallowed sadly. "You don't have to be."

Amy felt uncomfortable there now with Karma's eyes on her face.

"She died," Amy said suddenly. She didn't want to keep her secrets. She didn't want to be the only one having to know.

"Who died?" Karma asked, a natural look of consternation springing to her face.

"Laura died. She had… Laura had…" Amy tried to continue but the tears came again contorting her face and choking her voice into non-existence.

"Oh Amy," Karma said, seeing as Amy was beginning to just break. "Shhhh," Karma said, pulling Amy in close to hug her. "I'm so sorry," Karma said. Why the hell had she been pushing her? SHE DIED?! AMY'S OLD LOVE HAD DIED?! AMY WAS ONLY 15! HOW COULD A 15 YEAR OLD LOSE HER FIRST LOVE TO DEATH?!

Karma felt like screaming. She held Amy instead.

Amy curled up into her and wept, her body shaking. It had been a long time since someone held her like that, like she was a child. Karma rubbed her back and rested her head on Amy's shoulder, whispering softly and trying to calm her. "It's okay," she'd say. But it wasn't okay.

Amy wondered if she'd ever be okay. Laura had been gone for over a year.

She'd been gone from home for over a year. She'd been on her own for over a year. She still wasn't okay. Nothing was okay. She was broken and hurt and damaged beyond repair. Karma held her but she had no idea.

To be pushed away and then kept alone with no one to confide in after all that had happened? Karma thought about it and ached for her. She wanted to mend all the wounds and wrap Amy up in a blanket of love.

_Laura had…_

**Part II**

Karma held Amy until Amy fell asleep again. She cried for a while, Amy did. When she fell asleep it was because she was exhausted. In the dark Karma held her and wished she could help, somehow help. She held her and felt useless. Confused, she cried alone while Amy slept.

In the morning when she woke Amy was already gone. She felt herself there on Amy's bunk.

"Amy?" She asked to the empty room. Amy had gone.

Amy had woken early, feeling restless. She pulled a large jacket on in the coat room and went outside. Sometimes it was comforting to feel the air and the wet salty breeze. It was enough to stir her and wake her. Enough to show her that the world was vast and it was impossible not to feel lonely because everyone was in this large place, this place much too large, everyone had to feel that, not just her.

Karma woke and wandered. She explored the ship to try and find her. She wanted to hug her, to see her face. She was worried, so worried.

The Ashcroft's were both asleep and Georgey was at the helm sleepily listening to old tapes of Garrison Keillor. Tales of Lake Wobegon boomed into the room when Karma entered and they infiltrated her brain. She sat for a while in the back of the cabin and listened without Georgey noticing. After a while she began to laugh at the many jokes, and Georgey realized she was there and smiled back at her, mouthing a kind hello, that made her smile.

Garrison was rambling on about his imaginary summers in Lake Wobegon. Karma sat by the wall and just listened as he lamented about a town like many others, a town that didn't actually exist even though it seemed to exist almost everywhere. There was humor and wit and a general feeling of overwhelming gratefulness and pride in the absurdity of the human condition. He talked on and on about books and summer and reading in peace and his neighbors that did zany things. He talked until Karma herself felt like she was there.

After a long while she remembered what she had been doing before. Amy was out there, somewhere, but Karma couldn't find her and that was probably because Amy wanted to be alone. She hugged her knees and leaned back on the wall feeling useless. Longingly, she sat a little longer trying to calm her mind and the busy heart in her chest. It was early still, too early. Neither of them could sleep long. They were both restless and in need of comfort but apart.

As Garrison Keillor rambled on Karma was actually able to put herself somewhere else for a brief moment, in the mind of someone who had siblings, in the mind of someone who had a normal life in a normal town with a normal frustrating family and not one like her own.

After a few minutes her father wandered into the room, scratching the scruff on his chin.

"Hey there, darlin'," he called, mimicking Garrison's low comforting voice.

"Hi daddy," Karma smiled, standing to hug him and feel him in her arms.

"Garrrrrison Keillorrrr, oh the news from Lake Wobegon," he teased. Georgey turned and coughed, he was a smoker and when he laughed he'd always end up coughing.

"Mornin' boss!" Georgey called with an endearing smile and a friendly but scratchy voice.

"Oh, to be back on Lake Wobegon," Karma's dad crooned, holding Karma in his arms and rocking her.

"Have you seen Amy?" Karma asked, looking up at him with those beautiful eyes.

"She's probably out on the deck," he said.

"Outside?"

"Yup, fresh air. She craves it. She's not like us dogs!" Her father laughed and Georgey did too.

"I'm gonna go check," Karma said, separating from him woefully. It felt good in his soft arms. It felt good in the warm cabin where her father and Georgey laughed and Garrison Keillor filled the previous silence. Everything about the groggy morning seemed homey. Everything except the fact that Amy was gone. That was the one thing Karma couldn't just ignore. Amy had already begun to feel like home for her. Amy had taken the place where her parents used to stand. Karma thought of her almost constantly now. She craved her.

"Grab a long coat," her father called after her.

"I will, thanks," Karma said, sneaking into her room and pulling on a pair of slip-on shoes. She didn't have a big coat but Amy had a few. As an afterthought she remembered that black beanie Amy gave her and pulled it on over her hair.

Outside Amy felt heavy. She'd been crying silently all morning, ignoring the tears. She borrowed a cigarette from Georgey and forced herself to smoke it at least half-way. She didn't really like to smoke but she wanted to physically hurt inside and cigarettes burned her throat so that would do.

There was a bench behind the tower on the back of the boat. Amy would go there and sit sometimes, wrapped up in a coat and a blanket with her earbuds in and music playing as the boat crashed down over the waves.

She looked out in front of her at all the distance they had traveled. She looked back to see that land was nowhere and she was nowhere.

"Amy?!" A soft voice called, yelling over to her as best it could. Amy turned and noticed as Karma appeared on the deck, holding onto the rail.

"Hey!" Amy yelled, ushering with her hands for Karma to come close. It made Amy nervous to have Karma on the deck so close to the edge as the boat tossed. It wasn't a safe place to be, anyone could just fall off. She noted Karma's shoes and felt like yelling at her. Instead she just took Karma's hand in her own and pulled her up next to her, hugging her close. "You shouldn't be out here," Amy called. Karma naturally hugged her and rest her head on Amy's shoulder, her hand pulling into Amy's coat and holding Amy around the waist.

"I needed to find you," Karma said desperately. "You're smoking?"

"Yeah, I don't know why. I don't usually. Cigarettes are disgusting," Amy shrugged. Sometimes she just did things to try and feel something else. It was weird but she knew she did it. There was a half empty bottle of gin at the bottom of one of her drawers. On the bad nights when the dreams wouldn't stop she'd take a few gulps and it helped her to sleep sound but it was bad and she knew.

Karma watched the water in front of them. The boat was small on this wide ocean.

Amy didn't speak so neither did Karma. They sat there a while feeling the hot sun on their faces and the cold wind on their cheeks. It was confusing but nice and Karma couldn't help but love the fact that they were close, that Amy would let her be close.

"We should go in and eat," Amy said, standing. Once her cigarette had melted to its end and the sun became a bit hotter as the swells slowed, Amy wanted to be inside because the wind was the thing that helped her, the wind calmed her thoughts.

Karma let Amy lead her away. When they got inside Amy peeled her coat off quick and turned to help Karma with hers.

"I can do it," Karma said, wanting not to be a bother.

"Oh," Amy said, not knowing how to take that. "Sorry."

"No, it's fine," Karma smiled. "You smell like cigarettes now and men's cologne," she laughed.

"I stole someone else's coat," Amy chuckled. Her cheeks were red and Karma couldn't help but notice how fucking cute she was in the morning with her windblown cheeks and her sleepy eyes and messy hair.

"Can I hug you?" Karma asked nervously, once she had finally gotten the large layer off.

"Sure," Amy blushed, holding her arms open awkwardly. Karma looked sweet in just her pj's and her beanie.

"Umm," Karma mumbled awkwardly, slowly approaching and slipping into her, feeling her body close and smelling Amy's clean hair. "Mmmm," she hummed. Amy rose a hand to the back of Karma's head and held her there tenderly. It did help that they weren't speaking about what had been said but instead doing things like this, things that didn't require any words. It felt good to be held and to hold.

"I'm glad you don't hate me," Amy said shakily. The cigarette had made her stomach hurt and she was already weak from the emotional roller coaster.

"I couldn't hate you if I tried," Karma sighed with a small laugh.

"I'm glad," Amy said, her other hand holding loosely at Karma's hip.

After that Amy made them breakfast, holy bread, it was something her mom used to make. She used a cup to cut a hole in a slice of bread and then she cracked an egg inside and fried it until it was almost solid. Karma watched from behind, holding onto Amy's hips like she did on that first day.

Amy felt a tightness in her chest. She was flustered. Karma didn't hate her and Karma was still just the same. That meant something.

The day was very normal and they went through it solemnly, choosing to speak less and be calm.

Drop-time felt routine. They could work and not think but Amy's mind ran marathons none-the-less. It was weird but she wanted another cigarette after only an hour. She didn't smoke and it had made her physically sick, but she wanted it again. She wanted to vomit. She wanted her body to ache and distract her from her swarming mind.

Karma couldn't know. She couldn't know what had happened. Amy was beginning to let herself remember again and that was always bad when it happened. It always lent itself to trouble and caused Amy to need solitude, among other things.

**Part V**

The routine, it was a routine, had become easy already. Karma went through the motions. Drop-time felt simple. Working felt simple. Showering after, also felt simple.

Amy stayed long on the deck again and Karma didn't see her this time in the bathroom though she lingered extra long.

When she got to the room Amy was already inside.

"Oh," Karma said. "Aren't you going to shower?"

"I dunno," Amy said almost lifelessly. She was lying on her back on the bottom bunk with her eyes closed and a hand covering them. The thoughts were really bad this time. They overwhelmed her. She was shocked she made it through the drop. She was shocked she was still laying still instead of exercising and crying or yelling at someone who didn't deserve it, someone like Shane or Georgey or herself in the mirror, that one was her go-to after all.

"Are you okay? Should I go?"

"You can stay if you want," Amy said coldly. This was Karma's room too.

Karma stood by and stared in her towel, unsure of what to do.

"Get dressed," Amy said, getting up. Amy went to her drawers and pulled out a hoodie, throwing it on. Karma watched trying not to appear to be spying. Amy dug further with her hood up until she found that familiar bottle of gin. Karma slunk across the room slowly, afraid to disturb her but she had seen. She pulled her own drawer open quietly and found some underwear.

Her back was only turned for a moment but that was enough time for Amy to wordlessly sneak out.

Karma stood there confused. Whatever was happening, it was different. Amy wasn't okay and it was probably her fault for making her talk. Karma felt wrong again. She felt responsible. If she had just followed Amy last night none of this would be happening. Amy was thinking too much and Karma knew.

**Part VI**

Karma dressed slowly trying to think. How could she fix things? Why was Amy all of a sudden smoking and drinking? What was going on?

Once she had her sweats on, she slipped her shoes on too and left to find Amy.

Amy walked off back to the coat room and hurriedly threw someone else's coat on. She figured if she went outside Karma probably wouldn't follow but she had figured wrong.

As soon as she was outside she positioned herself on the bench next to Shane and unscrewed the bottle.

"Didn't know you'd be out here," she said.

"Can I have some?" He asked.

"Sure," she smiled. And here she thought she'd be drinking alone.

"We shouldn't do this out here, ya know?" He smiled while he said it.

"Not like I have anything to lose," Amy countered.

"Except maybe your life. Ever think of how I'd feel if you slipped off this boat without anyone knowing?" It was sweet of him to care but Amy wasn't sure if he did out of boredom so that sort of haunted her and she felt bad for thinking of him that way. Shane was better than that, he liked her and she knew. Her thoughts grew cold though when she started to remember. They always grew cold when she had to allow the bitterness to creep in.

"Sorry," she said.

"It's fine but we should go back in."

"Amy?" Karma called. She had followed her out.

"Shit," Amy sighed as if caught. She couldn't take a heavy talk right now and Karma wouldn't stop pushing with the questions. The day had been nice but Amy knew it had been a rarity. Karma wanted to know all about her and she wasn't ready to tell. Just saying what she did had caused her to have these sickening pains in her stomach and her head. She didn't like thinking about her mom or Laura or anything that had happened in the past.

"Here," Shane said, holding his hand out for the cap. "I'll put this back in your drawer."

"Fine," she said angrily. Her attempts at escape had been halted.

"Hey, are you okay? Was that alcohol?" Karma asked.

"You keep asking me questions." Karma could tell right away that Amy was pissed.

"Oh, shit," Karma said, realizing. "I'm sorry."

"Fuck, don't apologize to me. I hate when you apologize to me."

"Amy…"

"What?!" Amy snapped.

"Wow… Okay," Karma brushed a hand threw her wet hair and felt like crying. Amy was sort of treating her like shit all of a sudden.

"Dammit. Now I'm mad at you," Amy said.

"I'm sorry," Karma whined.

"Karma! STOP!" Amy yelled. Her voice had been very loud and it sounded like an order. Karma even felt herself pull back a little physically. She wasn't used to mean Amy. Amy was never mean.

"I…" Karma turned around and began to walk away.

"You can't just fucking leave," Amy spat. "We live on this boat together. We'll have to talk eventually." Amy had realized somewhere in the day that she'd have to tell Karma everything and she knew it was going to break her goddamn heart so she'd been avoiding it, avoiding it all.

"Amy…" Karma turned slowly to look at her as the boat bobbed over a giant swell. She braced herself on the railing as the little boat tossed. "I'm trying to help but-"

"You think you can help?!" Amy said, standing up. She took a step close to her and Karma could see the burning in her eyes, how she fought off the tears, how she had probably been crying all day despite it all. "You can't help this. This is my life, Karma! Don't you get that?!" Amy yelled over the sound of the crashing waves and the thoughts in her mind.

Karma just shook her head no, fighting back her own tears. She'd never seen Amy like this, so angry she could yell and push and spit out spiteful words that she'd probably regret by the time the moon rose.

"I can't take back what happened! It doesn't matter how much I want to. I can't take it back!" Amy yelled.

Karma watched as Amy paced the deck a little ways from her, purposely putting space between them and making it so that Karma had to stand away, had to stand back and just let her freak out.

"Yelling at me and drinking isn't going to help anything," Karma tried.

"If I'm drinking it's because I can't. I CAN'T- FORGET! Don't you get that?!" Amy yelled. She squinted her eyes, shutting them tight into the pain. The gin on her tongue tasted warm and it burned.

"You don't have to forget," Karma tried.

"Are you fucking kidding me?! I DON'T- HAVE TO- FORGET?!" Amy asked slowly, her voice rising in outrage at the thought. "What kind of world are you living in?" Amy scoffed coldly, the tears spilling out as she met them with her sleeve and continued to stare angrily back at Karma.

"You have to remember. It's the only way," Karma said open-mindedly. She knew Amy was upset but she knew she wasn't really upset with her and that helped her to stay. Everything Karma knew about healing had to do with confronting demons and overcoming them instead of hiding them in boxes and pretending they didn't exist. Karma was well past trying to pretend her parents hadn't ditched her for years. She had to feel it in everything she was. There was no way to forget.

"So, you want to live with this?" Amy asked, staring her down bitterly. "You want me to remember every day that I fell in love once with a girl who actually loved me for me? You want me to remember that once I had it perfect for a while but then everything turned to shit?" The more Amy talked the faster her words started to follow each other. The more Amy talked, the more anger she felt, the more bitterness and coldness and unrest. "You want me to remember my Mom and Bruce and how outraged she was, how she pulled me out of school and sent me to church and tried to fix me? You want me to remember Laura trying to find me? Laura trying everything to find me, to get to me, only to have me turn her away because I WAS FUCKING WEAK?! YOU WANT ME TO REMEMBER THAT?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" There was a rage in her that terrified Karma, it simply terrified her. She'd never seen Amy like this. But the words…

"SHE TOOK HER OWN LIFE BECAUSE I- WAS! NOT! THERE! KARMA?! SHE TOOK HER LIFE! AND THEN SHE WAS GONE! AND I WAS ALONE! SO FUCKING ALONE! AND RESPONSIBLE!" Amy spat, every muscle in her body ached from trying to say it in a way that made sense. Every muscle had tensed and held itself to the point of wanting to snap. She was shouting at the wind, SHOUTING at the pain to try and THROW IT from her and CAST IT away.

Amy saw Karma's face and stopped her yelling. She remembered where she was and who she was talking to. Half of the bitterness was because of Karma. Half of the bitterness was knowing that Karma loved her despite it all. It was wrong of her to take it out, wrong of her to yell and assume Karma could know everything when Karma knew next to nothing, really nothing at all. "Could you fucking live with that?" Amy asked weakly, her voice coming down in her pain. "Could you live with yourself knowing that the only person who ever loved you killed themselves because you were SUCH A COWARD that you couldn't let yourself love them back?" She stumbled backwards with the tossing ship, catching herself weakly on the rail and staring only for a second at Karma who looked like she had been hit by a bus and left to stand despite it all.

"No," Karma exhaled shakily, almost paralyzed by the full extent of Amy's truths. It was the worst thing she could imagine. She hadn't realized before but she had started shaking in there somewhere, probably around the time Amy began to pace and make her feel strange. It was all so fucked up. "That's what happened to you? Amy, is that what happened?" Karma felt like yelling to. She felt like pacing and yelling and tensing her muscles and getting angry at everyone on the ship. She didn't want to live a world where something like that could happen. And to Amy? How could it be true? It was more fucked up than any other story ever could be. How could Amy live through that? How did that even happen?

"Yeah!" Amy whined. Of course it was true. The tears came fast as Amy realized what she had just done. She shuffled around weakly on her feet until she was facing the back of the boat where no people were and no faces. Karma watched as Amy walked toward the edge. She watched and she followed, almost scared that Amy might…

"Amy don't!" Karma said nervously.

"I'm not gonna fucking jump!" Amy cried bitterly through shaky tears and a throat full with burning and guilt. She held onto the rail with both of her hands and cried hard into the wind, hoping Karma would just leave her and just go.

Before she knew what was happening she felt Karma's hands slide past her sides and wrap around her stomach and hold her tight. Karma was behind her and holding her, she felt warm and Amy felt her shaking body on her own. She felt Karma pulling her back away from the edge, pulling her back onto the deck away from the wind and the danger.

"God, why do you even like me," Amy cried bitterly as her feet let her fall back. She didn't deserve anyone. Not after Laura. She deserved to be dead too. That's all she deserved.

"It wasn't your fault," Karma fought, holding her tight, refusing to leave. Amy thought about removing Karma's arms with force but they felt good. She thought about pushing her away but Karma said those four words and they broke Amy down. She tried to make herself do it, make herself push her away, but those words hit her hard and shook her heart in her chest causing her to feel even weaker. She let her hands fall at Karma's arms around her as they held her. She let her squeeze and she felt herself break. She couldn't fight her, she was too weak now. She fell into her and turned, giving up, hugging her close with all of her remaining strength and crying into the wind as it howled past them on the rough expanding sea. She was crying because she had lost TOO much to want to try again. "I know it feels like it was but it wasn't." Karma said, crying lightly, "It wasn't your fault, Amy. It wasn't your fault." Karma walked them both backwards until the backs of their knees hit the bench and they sat. Amy cried into her shoulder, a heavy cry, the kind that shook her body hard but made little noise because to breathe was impossible, to real breathe through the pain was too much.

Karma held her and rocked her to help with the calm.

Laura's family blamed her. Amy's mom blamed her. The teachers at school didn't want her to come back.

Amy had never ever heard that sentence before…

_It wasn't your fault…_

No one had ONCE told her that after everything that went on. Not even one person said that to her, not even one.

_It wasn't your fault…_

Karma had said it.

It had been over a year. But Karma had said it.

"It wasn't your fault," Karma crooned. "You're a wonderful person, a lovely person. Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault."


	9. Chapter 9

_*song: I Can't Make You Love Me- Bonnie Raitt. obviously inspired by amy's feelings about her life and her family and her friend who she lost but also Karma's confusion as she's realizing that no one else knows a thing about amy's past, no one but her*_

**Chapter 9**

**Turn Down These Voices Inside My Head**

Though she did not notice in her pain, the breakdown afforded Amy some time to be still. Karma held her close and rocked her. Amy's mind was still a frustrating blur of memories and tragedy. All the spaces where her mother didn't speak, all the spaces where Laura wasn't there. The spaces where she couldn't change a thing; empty spaces.

The faces of Laura's brothers came flashing to Amy's mind. Laura's sad brothers and her distraught confused father, that man who had yelled at Amy only months before. The face of Amy's own mother who stood stoically by her side then, encouraging distance with her cold unsympathetic mood.

Worst of all, the face of Amy's dead father came last. She'd imagined him then in his coffin, turning away from her, with disappointment even in death. Everything about her past seemed dark. With all that had happened she could hardly remember the good times. The times when Laura held her until she felt full, full of happiness and hope, and a feeling she had never known. Until recently, Amy thought she could never feel that feeling again, until Karma… But she did feel it again, she did. And because of everything, she was scared.

"I'm sorry," Amy kept on saying. "I'm so sorry," she gasped out among her sobs. She didn't even know she was saying it. She didn't even know how to stop. She didn't even know who she was saying it for or to because it could be to anybody, she was sorry for it all.

Karma held her and they rocked on the sea as the sun slowly made it's decent, covering the water in it's beautiful orange shimmering light. Karma held Amy in confusion knowing not how she must feel. To feel all of that at once would certainly be too much and that's all that Karma could think as she tried to give comfort.

_Of all the stupid things_, Karma thought. Of all the stupid things she could do, why on earth did she push Amy to tell her all about her dark fucked up past. Maybe it had just been wishful thinking but Karma never thought in a million years that Amy's past had been THAT bad.

Karma knew kids who had escaped that way. She'd met kids at volunteer events put on by her school. She even knew this one girl who was usually at the library, she'd talked to her every now and then, that girl had ran away. But never had she assumed Amy's past would be THAT dark. For the most part, Amy had seemed so together.

Karma felt like a fool. That is what she felt like. All this time she had been sad about being alone while Amy was sad about the things that happened because she wasn't alone. These were horrible things, no doubt, simply horrible things. Their individual tragedies were polar opposites and Karma felt idiotic for being sad about not having people she loved who had died. It was wrong of her to feel bad. Amy's fate had been so much worse than her own. So much fucking worse. Karma felt like choking on all of her words from before, somehow finding them and swallowing them up so that they could all be unsaid and undone. If she could do it again she'd say nothing bad about the parents who loved her unconditionally and the Aunt who was alive and well in Austin Texas with all her living and breathing cats. Karma's life was not a tragedy, at least now it didn't seem so despite the fact that it would go on to affect her for the rest of her living days.

As the sun began to disappear into the water, the sky grew orange and yellow. Karma saw two dolphins swim off behind the boat, jumping out of the water and back in, making their way somewhere unknown. She wanted to tell Amy, point them out, but what good could it do? It'd be careless.

The breeze turned violent with the disappearing sun. Gusts would push against them so hard that they'd lean back into the bench and clutch each other for dear life. Karma's cheeks were so cold they went almost numb but she wouldn't dare let go of Amy, wouldn't dare even move, not even for a second.

"We should go in," Amy noticed, after the wind hit them hard a few times and knocked her enough to bring her out of her head. It was almost like, for a few minutes, Amy had forgotten where she was and who she was with. Amy had been back there at Laura's funeral. Back there in her old life, the one she had tried so hard to forget.

"Only if you want," Karma said. She'd stay outside all night if Amy wanted her too. She didn't' care about frostbite or the rough waters or the spooky and desolate dark. There was something dangerously exhilarating about it all. She wanted to save her and she would hold her all night if that's what it would take.

"You're cold. Your coat isn't even zipped," she looked up at Karma's face and saw her cheeks. "Aw, dammit," she said. "You're really red."

"I don't care," Karma said, lightly smiling through her pain as tears streamed out of her eyes and hid themselves beneath her hair.

"I care," Amy said, realizing it just then. "I care." She said again. "Fuck, Karma, I am so sorry."

"Shhh, it's okay," Karma said as Amy sat up feeling pissed at herself.

"I shouldn't have yelled at you," she whined.

"It's fine. I didn't know."

"Yeah, you didn't know. This wasn't your fault. None of this was your fault," Amy said.

_It's not your fault…_

The words repeated in Amy's mind until she felt suddenly faint. Karma saw and caught her.

"Amy? Are you okay?"

"I…"

_It's not your fault..._

The words came again, hitting her hard.

"Come on, sweetie. We should really go inside," Karma decided. There wasn't much thought needed, Amy seemed dazed now and less together. They shouldn't be outside like that. Karma noticed that Amy was calm and aware enough now to get up and walk on her own two feet by her side.

_She called me sweetie..._ Amy thought.

Karma helped her up and let her lean on her. They walked inside as the boat dipped and hit into a few waves. Amy caught Karma once when a large wave hit. She caught her and woke up to herself yet again. They were outside and it was dangerous. They were outside and it was dark.

She helped Karma along and they both felt the heat hit them as they stumbled through the doors.

They peeled their layers off slowly and Karma took Amy's hand and held it, kissing it once. Amy couldn't help but move it to Karma's cheek and hold it there to try and do away with the cold in her, the cold that had been mostly her fault.

"I'm sorry," she said again, looking at her.

"Don't say that," Karma smiled, a sad warning smile. Amy felt the tears on the side of her face, the ones that had been hidden beneath Karma's hair and blown away by the wind. They had been living an interesting life lately, the two of them.

"Still," Amy tried to smile but she had been hurt too much and it had hurt her to know she had attacked this girl because of her past. Karma saw the shakiness in Amy, the reluctance to forgive herself or let herself be forgiven for anything at all.

_You're an angel_, Karma thought. But she couldn't say it. Instead, she took Amy's hand in her own and led her back to the room.

They were too cold to even think of getting warm by the use of hot water. They walked back to their room wind-blown and tossed, feeling beat and blown and in need of stability. They both shook from the cold and the change.

"Lay down," Karma said, pointing to the bottom bunk, the one she had been sleeping on. Amy turned to try and find the stairs. "No, there," Karma said, pushing her down.

Amy laid back down and Karma unzipped her hoodie for her, taking care to be gentle. When Karma tugged at her collar Amy felt vulnerable but cared for. It was strange.

"Off, please," Karma said. Amy sat up and peeled it off of herself. The cold sweater was too cold to be of any help. Karma watched her for a second feeling worried. She turned and dug in Amy's drawers until finding a different sweater she could wear, one that wasn't frozen from the sea-breeze.

"You don't have to stay with me," Amy said worriedly. Karma was being quiet and it scared her a little.

"I'm going to get you something warm to drink, okay?" Karma asked. She had turned around and handed her the sweater. In truth she didn't want to leave her.

Irrationally, they both felt that if they parted they may never see each other again. It was so very irrational since they were stuck on a ship together. Stuck, at least for the week. Karma felt that Amy could run again. And Amy felt that Karma would not want her, not after knowing everything else.

"K," Amy said nervously, giving her permission to leave her.

"I'll be right back, I promise."

Karma held her hand and squeezed. Amy felt strange. Karma knew everything now.

Outside in the kitchen there was laughter and some of the boys were eating. Karma saw the half-full pot of coffee and found a mug to shakily fill. She was still shaking and it wasn't because of the cold. She noticed it now, feeling strange. It could've been the news. It could've been her guilt. It could have been a lot of things but Karma didn't know exactly why she felt shaky.

"Is she okay?" Shane asked, creeping up behind her.

"Oh," Karma sighed. He had someone frightened her, though she did not know why.

"She's… She's not, no," Karma confessed sadly, pouring the coffee and avoiding him as best she could. Secretly she felt glad he hadn't noticed her own off mood.

"Did she talk to you at least?"

"What do you mean?" Karma asked nervously. Had this been some sort of thing that just happened? Did Shane know it all? Did her parents even know? She suddenly felt compelled to ask them but there wasn't time. Not now at least.

"I just know she wanted to talk to you," he said, realizing he may have put his foot in his mouth.

"About what?" Karma asked.

"Oh no, no, no," he said, catching her. "If she hasn't talked to you yet I'm not going to be that asshole that ruins it all."

"She told me about Laura…" Karma said, turning her back onto the lip of counter and taking a sip of the hot black coffee. It felt too hot in her hands and she could feel her hands tingling because of the cold with the heat.

"Laura?" Shane asked.

"So you don't know about that?" Karma asked, making a mental note.

"Who is she?" Shane thought that maybe it was the step-sister that Amy had before leaving home. But Shane was sure her name was Lauren, not Laura. Those names were close.

"She's someone," Karma said sadly, knowing too much. "What were you talking about if you weren't talking about that?"

"Uh… I don't think I should say."

"Fine," Karma said flatly. She didn't want any more bombs or secrets. "I'm gonna bring this to her, she's pretty shaken."

"Karma, look," Shane said, stopping her with a hand on her shoulder. "Amy's a good person and she's been through a lot. Just give her time."

"I know," Karma said with a soft smile. It wasn't Shane's fault either, the secrets or the horrible past. Karma wished she could stop herself from being mad. She was so angry though. At humans mostly, all humans.

It wasn't his fault that he cared about Amy. Just as it wasn't his fault that Amy hadn't told him the whole truth. Karma had gotten what she wanted though. After that small convo Karma felt almost certain now that no one on the ship knew about Laura. No one but her.

It probably should've made her feel better but instead it made her mad. Somehow not one person until now on the Gypsy Queen had made Amy feel at home. Not even her own parents.

Karma seethed inside. She walked back to the room and opened the door slow.

Amy sat up nervously. She had changed into sweat pants. She had just been waiting.

Karma's face looked absolutely grave. She handed the mug to Amy and sat down beside her.

"Why haven't you told anyone here?" She asked nervously.

"What?" Amy asked.

"Laura, Amy. You haven't told anyone but me"

"I… I don't think we should talk about that anymore right now." Amy warned. She took a sip but it was way too hot. "Ahhh," she winced.

"Careful." Karma said grumpily. She took the cup back and started to blow on it grumpily before tuning to look at Amy and softening. "Do this first," she demonstrated, handing the mug back and watching Amy carefully.

It was very quiet as Amy sipped and tried to act normal. She wanted to sleep. She felt hopelessly tired. The kind of tired that sleep couldn't cure.

"Can I do something?" Karma asked.

"You don't have to."

"I want to," Karma pushed, watching her and wishing it could be easy. There was no right way to be.

"We can sleep I guess," Amy said.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," Amy shook. She put the coffee up on the dresser since it was too hard to move or care.

"Okay," Karma said. She got up to go to the top bunk but she felt the faint tug on Amy's fingers tightening around hers.

"Here?" Amy asked, too ashamed to even look at her.

"Oh," Karma said. A smile swept her face as she realized. Amy wanted her to sleep next to her like they had done before. "Okay," she said, trying not to sound shaky. It was exciting, to be asked. It was sweet in every way.

Karma crawled up to the head of the bed and put her body between Amy and the wall. She laid her arm down and watched as Amy turned toward her and rest her head on her shoulder, hugging her close.

Karma's heart sped up and she tried to quell her smile but it felt so good, to be asked. She cleared her throat and tried to calm.

She pulled the blanket up over them and hugged Amy close, feeling how small she was in her arms and how warm she was now compared to before.

"I'm glad you asked," Karma said.

"Me too," Amy said with a sigh. Karma felt that Amy was shaking less. She was warmer. Softer.

She kissed her forehead and smiled with her lips on Amy's skin. If she could help it, she'd never stop holding her.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

**I Will Try To Keep You**

**Part I**

Around 2am Karma awoke and remembered where she was. Amy was still in her arms. Noticing this, Karma's smile spread across her face swift and thorough, like wildfire sweeps a canyon of healthy brush on a hot and dry summer day, it lit up the night.

Amy woke in the stir. Karma's smile was the first thing she saw.

"Hi," she smiled back, with puffy eyes.

"Hi," Karma said, leaning in and kissing Amy's forehead again like she had done many times in the night. They were both so warm now and almost sweaty. They were wrapped up in each other like they were both nothing more than blankets instead of living and breathing being not meant to keep each other warm. Amy felt it as Karma wiggled.

"Are you okay?" Amy asked.

"I have to pee," Karma laughed.

"Oh.."

"Wanna come?"

"I guess," Amy smiled. It was late and dark and the bathroom was all the way down the hall. It was large and creepy at night. Amy understood. It wasn't an odd request.

She got up and grabbed Karma's hand. She pulled her along, leading the way like she had done when they first went there on that very first night.

Karma watched Amy rub her face. She noticed her sleepiness but also the way she was returning to her old self, the self that Karma first met.

"Thank you," Karma said as they walked into the dark bathroom together and Amy waited by the door, leaning in the frame and flipping the light on so that Karma wouldn't be scared.

"It's fine," Amy yawned. She was trying not to remember but also hoping that they could stop thinking about it now. Now that it was out in the open she'd feel better about it all and Amy knew that. There was a reason she had been stressed and it was because she couldn't keep secrets from Karma though she had tried to for days. There was something about her, something special that made her not want to hide.

Karma peed carefully and then washed her hands. In the mirror she felt puffy too and somehow younger than she had remembered herself. She shook it off though and went back to Amy.

"Are you hungry?" Amy asked, pulling her close in an almost hug

"Always," Karma smiled, leaning into her and feeling as Amy's breath caught from their closeness.

"Come on, I'll make something," Amy smiled.

There was no one in the kitchen and the ship was so quiet. Amy loved the nights and secretly Karma did too. All the men slept like logs and there was usually very little sound overnight.

Karma leaned on the counter and watched as Amy rummaged.

"Any requests?" Amy asked, smiling back at her sweetly.

"Just you," Karma smiled. She watched as Amy's face fell just a little as she turned away. There was still so much there to talk about but it'd be too hard. Karma pulled herself up onto the counter to sit. She made herself small and let her feet dangle off the edge as she watched Amy do one of her kitchen dances.

From off to the side Karma only wished Amy would quit with the food and come over to her, let her hold her. There was a growing desire. She had been nervous for too long about something. She'd been wanting to kiss her and trying but failing miserably. After the birthday cake incident and that day on the couch. She knew it then. She knew even before Amy's story.

It was almost like now she hesitated because of the secrets. If they did kiss, if she did lean in and kiss her slow, Karma didn't want Amy thinking it was because of her past and her secrets because that really wasn't it at all. Karma had been wanting to kiss her ever since the airport. It was strange but true. That first night on the boat she wanted to kiss her. And then the day after and the day after that. Every day it seemed Amy had done something unbelievably kind. Something that stirred up these irresistible feelings and caused Karma to feel an urge and a wanting that she herself had never really known before.

Out in the open before, on the deck of the boat, with Amy pacing and making her scared, Karma even wondered, would it help if I did it now? Would it calm her? Would it fix things? Of course, she didn't tell Amy and she didn't try. But she needed too and she wanted too. It was only a matter of time before she'd slip and just let it happen.

But the timing had been all wrong. Her timing was always dead wrong. She was too slow to start things and too late to finish. If she ever kissed Amy she was almost certain she'd be shocked by herself. But the urge was becoming hard to shoo away. Even now while Amy turned to check on her she found her eyes moving first to Amy's lips and thinking _what about now? Would now be okay?_

She sat on the counter and thought about how it would feel. She was sure it would feel impossibly wonderful, indescribable in every way. Like summer feels, heavenly, after months of cold winter. She'd imagined it might feel like rain in the desert, as rare and priceless as the single sun that gave their planet warmth. When she closed her eyes she could almost feel it.

She thought about it so much. She didn't realize how quiet she had become.

At the stove Amy was flipping grilled cheese. She had buttered the toast and used thick slices of cheddar. The thought of warm tomato soup made her happy but it was so late and they probably wouldn't stay up long. Just a bite to eat, that's all they would need.

As Karma sat patiently behind her, Amy couldn't help but wonder what she might be thinking. Karma had been sweet and then sweet and then sweeter and then sweet. Everything about her was giving and patient and apologetic. There was a coldness when she came back to the room before but Amy was almost certain it had little to do with her more to do with whoever was out in the kitchen. IN their bubble, theyw ere fine. Together they were happy. No one asked them weird questions and they didn't feel like they owed anyone anything else.

Amy naturally felt a compelling need to please the Ashcrofts but she had always been aware that she was overcompensating to a pair of saintly strangers who would keep giving her chances if she were ever to screw up. Something about them was just miraculous that way. Things went their way because karma works as karma does. They send out positivity and it comes back to them in crab and acquaintances and calm storms and lucky breaks.

It was strange but true and Amy knew. She had nothing to worry about really where the Ashcroft's were concerned.

She had never told them though, not the whole truth. She had told them she'd been in love and that her father had died and that her family didn't accept her. But there was much more to tell. And Karma knew it all now. It was strange to know that she could've told all along. The Ashcroft's would've probably reacted just as Karma did. They would have smothered her with hugs and whispered reassuring things into her ears. They were all so kind, it was naturally how they were. Even Kamra who had been lonely and sad. Even she had that kindness. It just naturally occurred in her despite all the hard breaks.

Once the sandwiches were done Amy wrapped them up in napkins and gave one to Karma, feeling the warmth of it through the paper towel.

"Thanks," Karma smiled.

They went into the living room and sat on the couch.

"Wanna watch something?"

"I dunno," Karma shrugged, the warm food pleasing her more than she had anticipated. "Is it wrong to still be tired?" They'd slept several hours, probably more than they needed but Karma wanted to be back there in Amy's arms, back there where it was fine to be touching.

"We can sleep again," Amy said, tucking her legs up beneath her body and taking large bites of the warm food and letting them sit in her mouth for a while before chewing them up. Grilled cheese reminded her of home. It reminded her of the way things were before Laura.

"Are you okay? We can sleep out here, I don't mind." Karma had a vision of a movie playing while she held Amy and slept. Maybe it would be better to create a distraction? Maybe it was rude to shoot down the idea that Amy had suggested.

"Do you miss Winnie?" Amy asked. She was trying to think of something to ask. Anything that could clear her own mind.

"I do," Karma chuckled. "It's strange to miss her. We never talked."

"But you lived together."

"We shared space," Karma said, almost mournfully, as her smile diminished.

"Like us," Amy said.

"We share more," Karma said, reaching her hand out to grab Amy's and squeeze. Winnie rarely talked and when she did talk she said random things. Karma often wondered if Winnie actually knew when she was speaking out loud. There were rarely questions directed to her but sometimes Winnie would say things out loud and they would be heard. Karma loved her voice because she craved it. Winnie would sing too, when she thought she was alone. Karma would hear it sometimes and just crane her neck to listen. She'd want to drink it up and hold it inside of her. The sound of her family. It was all a big part of her and since it was so rare, it always worked like a drug. Soothing her in moments of sorrow.

Now, on the boat, it was Amy that she craved. She missed Winnie, that was true. But Amy had been this overwhelming presence. This safe person in a sea of almost strangers who cared little. Like a lighthouse in a storm. Amy was always there, always calling her without a word being said, helping her, leading her. Comforting her. Showing her home.

"What are you thinking about?" Amy asked.

"You… Always you," Karma confessed. A tear rolled out of her eye and she wiped it quickly away.

"You don't have to feel sorry for me."

"That's not what I'm doing," Karma said, wanting her to know that it wasn't pity. There was too much anger in her for it to be pity. Karma wanted to take it all away, reverse it, mend the broken bones and rewind the fuzzy tape. "What was she like?"

"Huh," Amy felt her breath leave her. "Beautiful…" She said, looking over at her with an overwhelmingly bitter smile. "And kind…" She held her sandwich out in front of her and refused to eat it until she was done explaining. "I just… Before her," Amy gulped feeling pain rise in her throat. "I didn't know a person could be that great, ya know?" She choked back the pain in her throat and her eyes. Bitterly she turned and bit her sandwich, chewing slow and hating it all. Maybe it was better to not know. It was an ugly thought but they'd both be alive if she hadn't felt good back then.

"Where'd you just go? What was that?" Karma noticed how angry she got.

"I wish I never met her," Amy said.

"Don't," Karma tried.

"She'd be alive if we never met."

"Whatever happened… Neither of you could control it."

"I know but that doesn't change the truth."

"No Amy… that is the truth," Karma said, scooting closer to her. "Don't wish you hadn't met. Wish that you knew then what you know now. But don't wish that you hadn't met."

Karma didn't want to get into it. She didn't want to get into the complex discussion about suicide and why people do the things that they do. Amy was too sensitive now. And it was apparent that Amy thought she knew it was all her own fault.

They couldn't change anything about it and that was the worst part.

"Here, I'll put a movie on." Karma said. "What should we watch?"

"Muppets Christmas Carol," Amy laughed through her tears. It really was her favorite, that dumb adaptation with all the muppet ghosts and peasants.

"K," Karma smiled. She put the movie on again and it started up in it's usual way, trumpets heralding the return of Christmas. As soon as both of them had finished with their sandwiches Karma tugged at Amy's side, signaling for her to come closer. It was like clockwork now. As soon as Amy bent to Karma's will, they were both laying down. Amy let herself be wrapped up in Karma's arms. "I love you," Karma crooned. She brushed the hair out of Amy's face and watched as Amy smiled with closed eyes.

They were fast asleep well before the ghost of Christmas Past. All it took were those opening lyrics for them both to settle in and drift off into dream land...

_When a cold wind blows in chills you, chills you to your bones. But there's nothin' in nature that freezes your heart like years of bein' alone..._

**Part II**

Molly woke them with her singing and jumping in the cabin. She had been doing exercise in the mornings, by the light of the tv. She had an old Jane Fonda tape with nice music.

Karma woke and smiled. Her mom always did that tape. It was old as ever but she always did that tape.

"What is she doing," Amy smiled and whispered. Amy had been awake and just watching it like it was some sort of fever dream.

"Shhhhh," Karma ordered, kissing the side of her face and watching Amy smile back at her as she squeezed her in a morning hug. "Come on, lets sneak out."

"K," Amy said.

They rose slowly and tip-toed off to their room, sneaking in and shutting the door.

"Seriously though, what the fuck was that?!"

"You've never seen Jane Fonda?"

"No…"

"Hmmm… She used to be really famous," Karma nodded. "Seriously, like the sex symbol of an entire decade."

"Weird." Amy said, still standing.

"Yup."

"What should we do now?"

"I dunno," Karma shrugged. It was too early to get ready and neither of them were hungry.

"We could-"

"I haven't touched my homework!" Karma said optimistically. It was something.

"Yeah…" Amy thought. "It's so boring though…"

"True."

"Plus, we'll have time off the boat to do that. We can go to a park. Or a cafe?"

Amy was making plans with her. Plans off the boat.

Karma's heart skipped with the realization that: THERE WOULD BE LIFE AFTER THE BOAT!

Amy Raudenfeld would not be leaving her.

"Yeah!" Karma nodded. She hadn't sat in a cafe with anyone in over a year. The last time it was a girl from english. They had a group project. It was an awkward meeting. The girl transferred schools last spring. Karma never saw her again.

"I've been meaning to ask you…" Amy said.

"Hmm?"

"Are you… I mean… It's only been a couple of days but…"

"What is it?" Karma said, taking a step forward and resting a hand on Amy's hip.

"Do you think you'll stay?"

It was a horrible question to ask. A disgusting question.

Amy felt guilty thinking about it. Every second with Karma for some reason felt like it could be her very last.

"I want to," Karma said. It wasn't the boat. It wasn't the work. At this point it wasn't even her parents who had been awfully stand-offish given everything. It was all to do with Amy, her motives for wanting to stay.

"Yeah?"

"Yes," Karma said, looking her in the eyes and watching as Amy smiled, a little bit of panic leaving her.

"That makes me happy," Amy said, ducking her head and wiggling away from her to climb up onto the top bunk.

Karma turned instinctively and watched her climb.

"What about you?" Karma asked.

"Me?"

"Yeah, are you going to stay?"

"I don't plan on leaving, if that's what you're asking," Amy said, settling up top and sitting indian style to try and calm down. Her heart was beating fast. She had forgotten, at least for a little while, that this trip would end and be over. When she first said that thing about the cafe she was thinking about her own life and how she would proceed once the boat docked and they all got off.

But Karma hadn't been there long. It felt wrong to be so attached. She could get hurt and she knew it. If Karma were to leave.

Something dark swam over Amy's face and Karma saw it.

"Hey, what's up," Karma asked, walking to the bunk and slipping her fingers onto the edge of the mattress.

"I might be too attached to you," Amy said. "I just… I was thinking about the boat docking and us living life just like this, just the same."

"We can do that," Karma said.

"Can we though?" Amy grimaced. "What about your family? What about Austin? What if they change their mind and send you back."

"I'd fight it. I know that."

"Why do you like it here?"

"I like you," Karma reminded.

"No, I mean, other than that?" Amy fought.

"It doesn't matter other than that," Karma said, reaching her hand up and pulling Amy's hand into hers and rubbing it. "I'm not kidding, I haven't felt happy like this, home like this, on years." She swallowed. "And it's not about the boat or my parents. I think it's you," she said. "I think I'm-"

Their door burst open and Molly stuck her head in. She had an 80's sweat band on and she was all sweaty from the exercise.

"You girls hungry?! I'm gonna make a frittata!"

"Hmm," Karma smiled. She was just about to say it. Just about to tell Amy she was falling in love with her. "That sounds great," Karma blushed.

"Yeah!" Amy said, getting up and climbing down.

Karma watched her leave and waited inside the room. She sat down on the bottom bunk to think but Amy threw the door open impatiently.

"Are you coming?!" She asked grumpily as if to say, please don't leave me alone with your mom.

"Yeah, sorry," Karma smiled, getting up.

She'd tell her eventually. She'd tell her soon...


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

**Distant Voices on the Water**

**Part I**

Breakfast went alright but Karma still wasn't used to seeing her family again. They would act like things were fine and normal but she couldn't possibly ignore the unnecessary distance they had been forced to survive.

It bothered her more that it seemed her parents weren't hurt by the distance and loss. They could easily be masking things and trying to mend the bridge they had created by leaving her back in Austin but to Karma things just couldn't be that simple. She only had time to think while away and all that thinking had done was leave her sadly jaded and bitter. During breakfast she flashed back to her dinner with her parents in Austin before she came out to live on the ship. She was bitter then only she didn't know then quite how much they had really hurt her. She was too busy being positive and trying to find a better way to live, to be genuinely angry with them like she was now. Now that she was back with her family the feeling seemed to be growing and stirring, make it all the more difficult to ignore.

"Are you okay?" Amy asked. There had been an obvious difference in Karma's mood. Though Amy had been extra pensive herself since the outburst on the deck, staring off into space and thinking only of all the little places where life had gone sour, she was still hyper aware of Karma's presence at every turn. A fading smile on a perpetually optimistic face like that wasn't something she could very well over-look.

"It's nothing fixable," Karma confessed, taking her mug of coffee up to her lips and sipping. Amy had enough on her plate, she didn't need to be worrying about Karma too. At least, that's how Karma felt about it all anyway. Small potatoes after the story she had just heard on the deck.

"You're still mad at them, huh?" Amy's intuition was strong. Being rejected and judged and tossed aside like Tuesday's garbage could heighten the inherent empathy in a person.

"I think I have to be," Karma confessed.

"They know," Amy said.

"What do you mean?"

"They've been a little different the past few days. Not really happier. Fake happy."

"Oh," Karma sighed. "So that's all for me, you think?"

"They're probably nervous. They know they fucked up," Amy sighed.

"Did they ever…" Something hit Karma hard.

"What?" Amy asked, watching her carefully.

"Did they talk about me? Like… Before?" Karma was staring down at her hands, concentrating on the fingers she placed on the warm mug, the fingers that could do nothing of use it seemed.

"Constantly," Amy said. "At first I thought it was because of my age."

"And now?"

"Now that I've met you?" Amy smiled a little too much, she cocked her head to the side to peer down at Karma who had been avoiding her gaze during the talk. "I think they just missed you."

"God, that's so fucking backwards," Karma scoffed, seeing Amy but responding to the idea of her parents missing her when they could do something about it the whole damn time. She sat back on the seat and looked about the cabin, wishing that things could somehow just change and be better already. The feeling inside of her wasn't a good one. She had been rejected by her family, she really had.

"You never cuss," Amy smirked, watching her. The work fuck just sounded like heaven when it came off of Karma's lips.

"Sometimes I do," Karma laughed, wiping a bitter tear from her face and realizing at once that she needed to stop thinking about it and just try to be happy with things.

Just then the loudspeaker broke through the air with an irritating scratch and Georgey's voice could be heard. "Amyyyyyyy-Amyyyy," he called. "Amelia Earhart has a call!" He sang out.

"A call?" Karma asked queerly, her own worries flying out the window.

The Gypsy Queen had a special phone that the crew rarely used.

Karma saw as all the blood drained out of Amy's face and her expression went slack.

"What? What's wrong?"

"No one knows I'm here," Amy said.

"Surely someone-"

"No." Amy said flatly. "No one knows that I'm here."

Amy stumbled mechanically out of the booth before the weakness hit her and she stumbled in her shakiness. A call could only mean one thing. Her mother had found her.

The fairytale of being able to live alone without her shame and sadness, it had all been just that, a brief but enticing fallacy. She had to come back to reality now. Face up to what happened. Talk to the one person in her life who had hurt her the most. No one else would be calling her. No one else would even look. There was no one else really.

_No one else… _She thought coldly.

Karma stood up and tried to help Amy walk but Amy pushed her away.

"Fuck, I'm sorry. I just need to be alone for this," Amy warned.

"Okay," Karma said, worried, wanting to deny her the privacy because she had gone sheet white and weak in the knees. She watched nervously as Amy disappeared down the hall looking broken, meak, and all alone.

**Part II**

She'd never used the phone before on the boat. Not even once.

"Here ya go, kid," Georgey said, handing her the phone.

Amy took a deep breath in and felt as pain cut into her lungs like she had swallowed sharp fractured crystals at random. She knew this call would break her. She pulled the receiver up to her ear and shakily breathed out.

"Hello?" She huffed shallowly, the fear in her overwhelming.

"Amy? Baby?" It was her mother's shaking voice. "Baby, is that you?!" Her mother was crying. But God that voice. Amy had missed it so much. It terrified her but she missed it.

"It's me, mom," Amy cried back, barely able to speak and trying to hold herself together. She held at her elbow and felt her body slide down into the seat that was there in the private wooden phone booth that was probably as old as the ship.

"Baby, oh thank God," her mother wept.

"I'm sorry," Amy breathed, her body shaking with her sobs.

"Baby," her mom kept on saying as she cried and cried and cried. "You're on a boat! That's so crazy."

"It's fine," Amy said.

"No, it is not fine," Farrah laughed through her tears of joy. Finding Amy had been her only mission for a solid year. The police had listed her as a runaway. All the stories lined up. Amy had been rejected by her family. It made sense for Amy to run. Even Farrah knew now that it had been her own damn fault that her daughter didn't feel safe in her own damn home.

Hearing her mother laugh felt like a soothing drug. Amy laughed back, for once actually happy to have a family somewhere.

"I miss you so much pumpkin…" Her mom shakily said. Amy breathed in shallowly and tried to think of how to speak to her.

"I wanna stay here," Amy said. "It's safe. I'm home-schooled."

"Can I see you?" Farrah was too wrapped up in finding her long-lost-daughter to be concerned at all about anything that Amy could randomly say about the future state of her life. But she was asking now. Not telling. Even Amy could notice the change in her from miles away and across a stormy sea of mistakes and lies and distance, Farrah was reaching out to try and get her back.

"We don't dock for a few days," Amy sighed. The thought of seeing her mom after everything… It shook her.

"Well," Farrah sighed heavily. Amy could almost see the panic in Farrah's eyes. That face she was probably making. "When you dock, can I come see you?"

"I guess," Amy said. She couldn't hide forever, though if she was strong she'd wait until she was 18 to see her mom again. Farrah had every right to steal her away, rob her from her calm settled life at sea, her life with Karma.

The conversation was short after that. The phone on the boat was technically for emergencies but Farrah had gotten the number through the school where Amy had been magically enrolled without her permission because Amy had forged all the papers and put down the Ashcroft's address instead of her mom's.

"You didn't have to leave," her mother eventually said, not understanding at all.

"I did," Amy cried. The worst part of it all was that she wasn't lying.

"I wish I could go back and do things differently."

Amazing what a year could do…

Hanging out should've been hard but Amy was too nervous to hang on the line and try to confess how sad she had been. If she knew anything at all it was that her mother didn't deserve it. Not yet at least. She didn't deserve it yet.

**Part III**

Stumbling out of the booth and hurrying down the hall, Amy made way to the bathroom and fell fast inside a random stall to clutch at the toilet with her bare hands and allow herself to vomit up her insides.

_So, that was that,_ she thought, relief hitting her like a wave.

"Amy? Are you in here?" It had been Karma. She had been waiting down the hall, trying to be patient. Instead of answering Amy just groaned and stood up, bracing herself.

"I'm fine, go away," Amy called.

"K, sorry," Karma apologized. Amy needed space again. Amy needed space.

Karma walked away down the hall and took refuge in the living room instead of the bedroom. If Amy needed time to be alone Karma wanted for her to at least be comfortable. She could have the room and Karma would stay out in the open for now. There was no need for Amy to have to feel out of place in her own room.

"Everything alright?" Molly called.

"Yeah, I think," Karma said. She wasn't about to spill Amy's secrets to her mom.

"Amy had a call. That's new."

"Oh… I haven't talked to her yet."

"Hmmm, maybe I should go check on her."

"Maybe," Karma said, hoping that Amy would maybe snap at her mom for intruding or do something cold that she herself had been wanting to do like allow herself to rudely ignore her altogether.

"Sweetheart, have you been happy here?" Her mom asked, surprising Karma in every single way. The question was so out of place and abrupt. But Karma liked the sudden shift. It meant that her parents weren't cold or blind like she had thought.

"I think so," Karma said, being truthful instead of just saying what her mom would want to hear. Her mother walked around the couch and sat down across from her for a moment so that she could talk with her more intimately.

"Your father and I. We're so happy to have you here. You have to know that."

"I know," Karma smiled. "And I am happy to be here, I am…" She fought. Despite everything she'd still rather be on the ship than back in Austin with Winnie and the cats.

"But, there's something else?" Her mother asked, noticing it. There was something that Karma wasn't talking about. To Molly that something could be huge.

"I don't think I can talk about it yet…" Karma said honestly.

"Whatever it is. We can take it." Her mom said, taking her hand in both of hers and rubbing it tenderly. "We're just so happy to have you back."

"Me too," Karma sighed. The subject was too complicated to broach. Perhaps Amy had been right about Karma's parents knowing full-well that what they had done with Karma had been a huge mistake.

"Okay well, I'm gonna go check on your friend."

"I think it was her mom," Karma said mournfully.

"Oh," her mother sighed. It was both strange and beautiful that everyone seemed to be having the same reaction to Amy's phone call. No one had seen Georgey but Amy and even he seemed preemptively apologetic about the call when he had handed her the receiver.

**Part IV**

It would be pull-time soon. That meant the trip was over halfway through. Amy only had a few more days. The boat would dock soon and Amy's mom would come for her. Things were going to change.

"Everything alright sweetheart?" Molly asked. Amy had been sitting in a booth in the kitchen and staring motionlessly at the wall as if it could tell her things, whisper comforts.

"Uh, yeah," she said, her voice lower than usual, her eyes watery and tired as they slowly shifted off of the wall and over towards Molly.

"Sweetie, are you okay?"

"That was my mom…" Amy confessed, holding her cheek up with her hand and trying not to cry. Molly watched how Amy seemed to shrink a little from the whole ordeal. It was like she was a child again, for once. Molly watched her and felt her own heart squeeze.

She slid into the booth across from her and grabbed Amy's hand. Previously Amy had been painting circles with her finger on the polished wood-top table, trying to distract herself from everything in her head.

"Is there anything I can do?" Molly asked.

"She wants to see me… When we dock…" Amy confessed, tears flooding her eyes.

"Oh dear," Molly said, standing up and sliding in next to Amy so that she could hold her.

"Will you come?" Amy cried.

"Of course, Amy. Of course," Molly crooned, feeling Amy's arms tighten around her and her face sink down into her shoulder as she cried. Molly knew that Amy must be scared. She didn't know everything but she knew enough to feel that fear in her as it radiated out and showed like a shadow on Amy's face.

Karma heard voices and peeked into the kitchen to see. She leaned on the doorframe and watched as Amy held her mom and her mom held Amy. Even from all the way across the room, the fear struck her too.


	12. Chapter 12

_*Hey guys: sorry I've been writing a lot less. I've had like no time and also the show distracts me enough from my addiction to make me feel fine in leaving things be for the most part. There's also this whole slump I am in where I just haven't felt like writing at all __. Life stuff has definitely gotten me down as of late. Just know that I still love all of these stories and hope that I eventually finish them. I just wanted to thank everyone who reads, and leaves comments and reviews, you guys are great and I love you all!*_

**CHAPTER TWELVE**

**I've Been A Long Time Gone Now**

**Part I**

It was day one of the pull and pull day was something Karma had previously dreaded. But somehow, now, her mind was on everything BUT the pull. She wasn't thinking about whether or not they could be collecting crab or whether or not she'd slip and fall on deck or whether or not her task would be difficult.

As they both wandered slowly down the hall in their all black thermals and all black beanies, Karma couldn't help but think on Amy's life and how complex it was. What was Amy going to do if her mother actually came out to see her at the end of the sail? Was this going to be it for them? Was Amy's mom actually interested in seeing her or was she more interested in taking her back, controlling her, keeping her kept?

The thoughts swirled 'round in Karma's mind, attacking her one-by-one as she tried to remain calm and not think at all, only breathe.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Karma smiled. "I'm fine, really. Just nervous," she lied. Sort of.

She was nervous about Amy, about her own future, and a life without her. Her nerves about the pull day were almost laughable when compared.

Amy watched her as she dressed herself in the heavy outer-shell that would keep her protected for hours in those high ocean winds. Pull days started earlier and lasted longer. It would be a hard day. A long day. For some more than others.

"Karma, I'm serious, you can't go out there if you're not okay."

"What?" Karma shrugged it off.

"I'm not letting you go out today. Something's wrong." Amy was thinking back on that first drop day and how Karma had fainted. There was nothing more dangerous in this line of work than having your head somewhere else. Any minor thing could go wrong and Karma could get hurt, she could fall overboard, she could get caught in some rope. The deck was really not a safe place to be. Being vacant during a shift on deck? That was like asking the world to attack you. Asking for trouble in any shape or form.

"You're being crazy," Karma laughed, snapping out of her haze only to grab at Amy's hand and comfort her. "Believe me. I'm fine."

Amy looked her in the eyes and sized her up. For now, at least, Karma did seem rather present. Stable.

"Okay," Amy breathed out with a worried sigh. She was busy with her own thoughts too but mostly she had achieved the hardest by pushing them aside to concentrate on the task at hand, the pull just now waiting for her.

"Alright you two!" Mr. Ashcroft called. They were holding each other's hands and staring at each other like they had been talking about something sad or serious or delicate or who knows. "Who's ready for some crabbin'?!" He laughed, smacking their backs with his large hands and alerting them enough to get them moving and ready for the day.

Out on the deck a few of the men were already itching to fish out the pots. They were waiting in their usual spots one with his hook-rope and the other with his empty hands. Shane waited back a bit, he'd be helping them pull as well. Amy walked carefully toward the hydraulics and looked back at Karma worriedly. She had no clue what Mr. Ashcroft had planned for Karma to do since she was really just an extra on the boat. She'd probably be sorting but it was still all very dangerous. No place for a newbie with her head in the clouds. The more Amy thought about it the more angry she became. Why were the Ashcroft's risking their daughter's life by having her on deck when they really didn't need her to be?

"What on earth could they be thinking?!" Amy grumbled under her breath.

"AHHHTTENTION. AHHHHTTENTION. THE TIME TO HESITATE IS THROUGH!" Molly's voice came booming out over the deck. For a second Karma watched as everyone seemed to smile excitedly at one another.

"GO GET 'EM GUYS!" Karma's mother said triumphantly before starting up her music and placing the mic before the speakers to help the day along with a few of her favorite tunes.

Amy watched as Curtis threw the hook out with a giddy feeling in his chest. This was usually his favorite part of every trip. The anticipation made it great. On the first go he pulled the rope and caught the first cage. Amy jerked at the controls and allowed the mechanism to reel the heavy pot in until it raised up out of the water revealing a stellar catch, a half-full cage, packed and magnificent.

"WELL HALLELUJAH!" Mr. Ashcroft called in a southern accent while The Doors played loudly amongst the cheers from the crew.

Standing back Karma had to notice the excitement and the mood. Amy was near tears with her happiness and so was Karma's father. Shane jumped up into Curtis's arms and Curtis walked a few steps back with laughter in his eyes, holding Shane in a strong hug.

"WE DID IT!"

"All I see is signs! All I see is dollah signs!" Shane sang.

"Money! On my mind! Money, money, on my mind!" Curtis sang back. Karma watched them both laugh.

Alone, but happy to witness the collective joy on deck, Karma wiped a tear from her eye and Amy saw her, giving her a nod and a small wave from her place behind the controls.

It was a brief but wonderful lull in which everyone felt momentarily fulfilled.

But then the cage was pulled up onto deck and just like clockwork Georgey opened it up and the actual crab came spilling out onto the metal slab they used to sort it.

"Come on Karma, this'll be you today," her father called. Karma walked over and tried to catch on as quickly as possible. Her father handed her a little plastic measuring device and told her to be careful. "This, this here is good," he said, showing how the choice crab far exceeded the pre-measured line of thick plastic he was giving her. She watched as he pushed that crab down into the hole that had to be for storing the crab they would catch or something like that. She watched it slide in and heard a plunk as it hit water she could not see from far above. "And this," he continued. "This is too small, too little. We can't sell that. Not to our guys."

"So what do we do?" Karma asked.

"Your mom and I like to sell 'em at the market, so we still keep 'em, but they're not as important and we can't keep as many." She stared down at the sad little crab that seemed just as beautiful if not more precious than the ginormous and dangerous one that had just been shoved down the hole. "For now we put them in here," he said. "There is only so much we can take back and from the looks of it, if the first cage is any indication of how well we did on this trip, we are going to be all full with top-market crab before we even come close to hitting the first few cages from our very first drop day!"

"Whoa…" Karma said. She was starting to see why everyone was so happy. "So this is good?"

"Oh, it's great, honey!" He looked down at her and smiled. "Just keep doing that though, we got a lot to sort today." He watched as she moved a bit. "Lemme know if you get tired. No need to force yourself. Go slow, be careful. Hollar if you need me."

"Okay," she laughed. Her hands were already busy though since she was scared of them a little bit. They all had big claws and the boat was rocking a lot. Her gloves were thick but she wasn't sure if the crabs could pinch her so when she went for them she avoided the claws and grabbed at their bodies quick, moving them fast.

Over near the controls Amy watched her nervously while she waited for the boys to remove the first cage and stack it. Today would be a long day. Pull days were the absolute worst. Her job was dangerous but it wasn't hard. She had to stay near the edge and use the buttons and joystick to jockey the cages. As long as she remained vigilant and stable, there could be no real problem. But for some reason she was already starting to feel nauseous and that wasn't like her, not really. She thought about her mom and the end of the trip. That call had been unexpected and it scared her a lot.

Looking out at the water made everything worse. The boat was rocking and she had already thrown up once today.

**Part II**

After a few hours on deck Mrs. Ashcroft cut the music, sounded a horn, and called them all in for lunch. Apparently she had made a delicious chicken soup for the whole crew. They shuffled inside excitedly. The work had been hard but the sun had been out and for the most part the sea was cooperating.

"You okay?" Karma asked as she joined Amy's side and waited near her while the others disappeared through the doors.

"I… I dunno, why?"

"You look sorta pale."

"My stomach hurts actually. I feel kinda weak, I guess…" Amy realized what she had just said and sped up to undo herself. "I'm not sure why I said that, actually. I'll be fine."

"All that time before…" Karma smiled. "You were worried about me and look at you…" Karma took her hand to thank her for caring but it ended up feeling stupid since they were both wearing gloves. They looked down together and laughed.

"Come on, maybe food will help," Amy said.

"My mom makes delicious soup."

"She really does," Amy beamed. The distraction was more than perfect.

They shucked their extra clothes off until they were back to their basic black thermal suits and their cold white glove-free hands.

"You didn't get cut," Amy noticed happily, taking Karma's hands in her own and surveying them.

"I tried to stay away from the claws."

"It's hard. Most the men get cut because they're rough and they don't watch what they're doing."

"I also tried to just push them instead of grabbing them by their legs."

"Good," Amy laughed, taking one of Karma's hands in her own and using the other to pull Karma's beanie off and also warm Karma's cheek with her skin. "You're face is frozen!" Amy laughed again.

Karma leaned in and placed her cheek onto Amy's.

"Sos yours."

She heard Amy's throat clear as she took a shallow breath and reached an arm around to pull Amy close and hold her for a moment while Amy held tight at her hand, not wanting to let go.

"It's gonna be okay," Karma said. She knew why Amy felt sick and it had nothing to do with the boat or the pull or that weird machine she had been operating or the possibility of her actually catching a cold. Amy was feeling sick because Amy had just gotten a warning and there was no way to know what it meant or how to stop anything bad that could soon be occurring.

"You can't know that," Amy breathed sadly.

"I know you," Karma said, holding on tighter to Amy's hand. "We'll get through this together."

It was comforting but Amy couldn't know if it could actually be true. Her will wasn't strong enough to fight off her mom's. She had learned that the hard way. It was her mother after all who had convinced her to ignore Laura.

"Come on, lets eat something." There was no fight left in her. Amy couldn't talk to her. She couldn't tell Karma why she was scared because it was impossible to explain it really. What she could do was feel how great it was, at least for the moment, to still have Karma in her life and by her side and wanting to be with her.

They sat close together and ate carefully, every spoonful warming them. Amy couldn't help but notice how quiet Karma was and Karma couldn't help but notice Amy noticing.

"What? Why do you keep looking at me like that?"

"I know you want to ask," Amy smiled. Watching Karma fight her instincts was actually pretty enjoyable.

"I don't want to bother you."

"You never bother me."

"Sometimes I feel like I do…" Amy placed her hand on Karma's and looked at her closely, leaning in to speak.

"It was my mom. She's going to come visit me at the end of this trip."

"Really…" Karma said, almost skeptically.

"Yup…"

"And you're okay with that?"

"I think I need to let her come," Amy said. She watched Karma an extra second and when Karma said nothing she leaned back in the booth and went back to eating her soup.

"What happened with my mom?" Karma asked.

"God, you're SUCH a stalker," Amy laughed.

"I'm not!" Karma smiled.

"You are!" Amy pushed. "But I like it so whatever…"

"Well?"

"I asked her to be there… When my mom comes."

"Like for a second?"

"I don't trust myself," Amy said.

_What about me?_ Karma thought. She wanted to be there too. She wanted to help.

**Part III**

They both had two whole bowls of soup and spent most of their lunch staring at each other and then looking away. There was something between them now and it was really sweet. More and more Karma felt that want to just be kissing her.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Amy turned the tables around.

"I just like seeing you. I'm not ashamed of that."

"You're crazy though."

"Not really… You _are_ beautiful," Karma sipped her water and turned away. She felt the blush in her own cheek and couldn't blame herself because it all felt right.

"You can stop now, please," Amy scoffed.

"If you want," Karma said, pursing her lips together and holding back her pleasure. She got up and moved to take Amy's bowl away and clean it.

Amy stopped her though with a hand on her wrist. Karma felt her own heart leap in her chest at just that simple touch at just the perfect time. She thought maybe Amy could sense what she was feeling, how she wanted her now, needed her to touch her.

"What?" Karma asked, looking down at her and waiting for words or permission or something to indicate that she wasn't crazy at all and that Amy felt for her what she too felt for Amy.

"Here, take mine," Amy said, seemingly not noticing it. She had too much on her mind. Karma tried not to blame her.

"Sure," Karma muttered. Her heart had stopped for a moment and now as she walked away with the bowls in hand. She felt her heart, it stuttered quickly back to life, almost hurting with its force and it's frequency.

"Whhaaaat was that?!" A cheery voice asked from beside her.

"Huh?! Oh! Shane!" Karma shook her head and tried to collect herself. "Nothing, it's nothing."

"Karma Ashcroft! Are you in love with her?!" The look on his face was intense and excited but accusatory none-the-less and that started Karma just a bit.

"Shane. Stop." Karma said. She couldn't deal with it now. Not knowing that Amy could be leaving her in less than three days.

"Karma, come on! Are you?!" Shane asked, shaking her by the shoulder.

"Look, I dunno," she said nervously. "Maybe, okay, but it doesn't matter." She continued fishing in the sink for the scrubber until she found it and the water felt too hot for her hands so she slowed it down and tried to avoid it.

"Why doesn't it matter?!" Shane asked joyously. "I KNEW IT! How long have you known?!"

"Knew what?! What are you talking about?!" If she were capable, if she had some sort of magic she could wield, she'd somehow calm him down, slow him down. He was so animated. His whisper was just that, a whisper, but to Karma it somehow felt like a shout.

"I knew you liked her. I could tell."

"Since when?"

"Since I met you!"

"Whatever Shane," Karma smirked. She didn't even know that really. How could he know?

"You have to tell her." That was a quick jump.

"I don't want to confuse her or mess things up…" Karma said. "Her mom's coming in a few days… She's got enough to think about."

"And that's exactly why you should tell her!" He said, turning her around by her shoulders and forcing her to look in Amy's direction. "Look at her! She's all stressed out and sad."

"Can I just clean my dish please?" But Karma did look. Of course she looked. She wanted to look. Seeing Amy there, even just the back of her, it was upsetting and exciting. She felt so many things for her all at once.

"If you tell her, she won't look like that."

"If I tell her, it might make things weird. What if she wants to go home, have a normal life?"

"What? Like you had a normal life?"

"Shane…" What did he know about her life?

"Karma. Look, she needs you. I know her."

"What do you know?" She scoffed cruelly.

"Hey!" He took insult. "I know I haven't been at her side much this week but we've basically spent a whole year hanging out before you boarded."

"Shit," Karma said, realizing how crazy she was being. "I'm sorry," she smiled apologetically but her smile quickly fell. "I just. I don't want to make her life any worse."

"I don't know why you think you can even do that when all you've done so far is make it better..."

Karma placed the bowls down and looked up at him. On top of all he said, he seemed pretty secure in his words.

"Don't be scared. She likes you."

Karma knew he was right. At least, she thought she knew.

**Part IV**

Something Shane said sort of pushed at her, nibbling at her insides. Her walk back to Amy's side was calculated. Each step felt like a sure thing like the loud strike of a bell or the slow but sure swing of a pendulum from one side to the other. The sands in her hourglass were slipping away. Each step reminded her that there would be one less step now with Amy. On less step with her at her side.

"Are you okay?" Amy asked. Karma had walked slowly toward her and then she had just stood there at the end of the table motionless, just staring into nothing. The silence hung between them and Amy stared up at her, just confused by her.

"Can we talk real quick?"

"Sure," Amy said. Karma looked down at her though. It wasn't private enough. She huffed out a sigh and turned around, walking off toward her room.

_What the fuck was that?___ Amy thought. The sigh had been telling and Karma seemed so serious just then. It was like her mood completely changed in the span of one short minute. Amy had no clue what could've brought that on. She hadn't been watching Shane and she certainly didn't feel Karma's disappointment before when she first left the table.

Standing up, Amy surveyed the space. Shane was watching back at the sink. He gave her a knowing nod, to which she just shrugged. There was always more going on. No matter the time of day, there was always more. Not meaning to, she felt a bit of stress as she walked to find Karma.

When she got to the room she walked slowly inside and shut the door. The silence there was even more impressive. She turned around slow and Karma took two steps toward her, finally sure of what she should say.

"I want to kiss you," she said. It was more forward than she had expected. Amy was looking at her too, noticing her face. Karma was so serious, almost dire.

"You… Want to kiss me?" She asked back queerly, trying to stand where she was without falling back. The space between them was slim.

"I've been wanting to really. I keep thinking about you…"

"Karma, what's going on?" Amy asked. It wasn't bad, the thing that she said. But there was something wrong. Karma was all nervous and strange. She was acting like there was no time or like things were ending or like Amy didn't want the exact same thing. Karma had to know she wanted her too.

"The other day in the kitchen," Karma began nervously but somewhat sure of herself. "You were making me omelets… I was sitting behind you on the counter, just watching you, just.. just wishing."

"Wishing?" Amy gulped. The kitchen had seemed normal to her then. Maybe she was distracted?

"Yes… Wishing…" Karma said, closing the gap between them and stepping forward again when Amy finally caved and stepped back until her heels were to the door and her back to it as well. She pressed her palms down on the surface of the door and wondered if she could maybe calm herself down a little by standing perfectly still and concentrating more on her breathing.

"Wha-what were you wishing?" Amy asked nervously. Karma had left her no space. And she was staring at her now, openly, hungrily.

"For this," Karma said, looking down at Amy's lips right before she let her own crash into them and kiss her.

It was like flood gates opening, as soon as she had done it, it was all she could ever want to do. Before, Karma had thought, maybe if we kiss I won't feel like I need to kiss her all the time. But that was silly, a naive little thought. Amy tasted like home and maybe soup and maybe coffee and maybe just maybe happiness out at sea, happiness out at life. She had a mythical taste that Karma savored delicately upon breaking away.

"Whoa…" Amy sighed, her hand coming up and holding at Karma's side, almost bracing herself so that she wouldn't be tempted to slide down the door and sit for a moment, just think on that, that feeling so pure.

"Don't be mad," Karma begged, raising a hand to Amy's face and holding it, searching her for a reaction when all Amy was doing was letting it all sink in, letting herself feel what had just gone on and how perfect it was.

"I'm not mad," Amy smiled. She could never be mad at her for that.

"You're not?"

"Of course not," Amy laughed, holding Karma's hand on her face and looking at her now. Karma watched Amy's eyes as they darted back and forth and tried to investigate her expression and the problem there, the problem in Karma.

"I… I think I'm scared," Karma confessed. It was the looming uncertainty. The thought of returning to land.

"Why?"

"You're home. This… This feels like home. You feel like home to me. I know I already said that but I don't think you understand how huge that is for me. How much that means... I've never had that, never felt-" She took a deep breath in and Amy noticed how upset she suddenly was. Karma turned from her and walked to the bed. She sat down on the bottom bunk and held at her stomach. This. This was love. It hurt too. Just like everyone said that it would.

"That's how you feel too, ya know?" Amy said.

"Whah-ah- really?" Karma asked, looking up at her almost confused. What were the odds of them both actually feeling it so deeply? Amy watched as Karma strangely looked down at her own hand and counted her fingers out stopping short on the fifth.

"What are you doing?" Amy said, kneeling before her and holding her hand. She looked up at Karma and brushed the hair out of her face.

"We've only known each other for 5 days." She scoffed. "Yet for 5 whole days I've felt completely addicted to you."

"Why are you saying all this," Amy asked. "Did something happen? You seem scared… What are you scared of?" It was hard, seeing her like this. It was hard being the one to pry. Karma was usually collected and precautious. Karma tried not to push her, tried not to upset her. Amy was the one who always felt like she was fucking up and saying too little and acting too strange.

"The future I guess… What'll happen if… When we dock… Your mom comes and takes you away." Karma couldn't even look at her while she spoke. This had become her first and only fear. Death was somewhere off in the distance. Life with Winnie? Also no longer a big fear. When she actually stopped to think about it, the only thing that really scared her now was Amy leaving, Amy being gone.

"That won't happen," Amy said.

"But what if it does?"

"I already told you, it won't." Just yesterday this had been Amy's fear. That Karma would leave or get sent away or lose all interest in her. But now things had flipped.

"She's your real home." That call had scared Karma.

"I'm not going to leave you, okay?"

"If you want to go, I want you to go." _What?!_ Amy thought cruelly. It felt like being punched in the gut and she couldn't understand it.

"I don't want to go anywhere. What are you talking about?!" Amy stood up suddenly and looked down at Karma sort of disturbed.

"Your mother loves you and you love her too. None of this was meant to happen. You were never supposed to come live alone on a boat. Things with Laura? None of that should've happened…"

"Am I alone on a boat?! Is that what this is?!" Amy asked, gesturing between herself and Karma, her voice rising shakily. She held on tight to the instant burning anger she felt at Karma saying she wanted her to go. They had just been kissing. Just been happy. But now... "Why would you say that?! Are we strangers? Is that how you see us?" She asked.

"No, no… But you know what I mean. You told me. You said you were scared. You're here because you're scared."

Amy held her body in tight and tried not to feel the words. She looked down at Karma and looked away towards the door with a burning fire and a sudden need to depart from her or face another explosion, another instance of losing her temper and unleashing it onto Karma.

"Your mom probably feels bad after everything. She probably misses you like crazy. There won't be anything to be afraid of. You can have a home again. A real home."

"Oh? You mean instead of my fake home with you?!"

"I-I don't think that," she hesitated, feeling foolish. "My-my words came out all wrong-" Karma had been too scared to think before speaking. The words had rushed out of her so quickly she never even had a chance to amend them or perfect them. She was trying to tell Amy that she was scared but all Amy was hearing was that she didn't want her to stay.

"Stop talking. Just. Stop. Talking." Amy said, turning from her and leaving the room, slamming the door hard in her wake.

"Fuck…" Karma breathed. She had done it but she'd done it all wrong. In the room that felt like home and the space that was also supposed to feel new and foreign to her, she laid down and hugged at Amy's pillow, crying hard into it and feeling scared but knowing there was really nowhere else she'd rather be.

It wasn't a happy feeling. All she felt now was fear.

She'd taken a huge leap forward and ten ugly steps back.

If only Amy could understand her. If only they could both see what the other was thinking and feel what the other was feeling.

The worst thing to know was that they were losing time. They'd be wasting time fighting now. There final days. There was always something broken about them. They could never say just enough to keep things in a happy place. Between them someone always went too far. They were always just short of harmony. So short, it pained Karma now.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

**Stop Draggin' My Heart Around**

**Part I**

It only took two more minutes before everyone on the boat was beginning to wander back out to finish the job. Amy noticed when it started but she was much too furious to fetch Karma. She'd leave her there. Let someone else do it. Not to mention she was still pretty mad at the Ashcroft's for having Karma on deck anyway when she didn't need to be. It wasn't like she felt like talking to them much either.

She walked off to get dressed and forget about things.

"Ameliaaaa, Ameliaaaa, where's your co-pilot?!" Mr. Ashcroft sang.

"Uh, not sure," she scoffed trying not to let her anger shine through. "Maybe she's sick?" There was a second where she at least tried to put up a front. But Karma's father had been watching them both at every hidden turn and he knew they were usually happy with one another and glued at the hip.

Instead of investigating further and badgering Amy, the wonder-girl of very few words, he decided to go search himself.

Amy put her coveralls on fast and zipped them up violently. She wanted to be outside before either of them could come back.

"Whoa, whoa?! What happened?!" Shane asked.

"Nothing, I'm just pissed," she said.

"Did Karma…"

"What?! Did Karma what?!" She had bit at him harshly. "I can't talk Shane…" She turned from him and walked onto deck. He was only halfway ready so he tried to rush but he had an energy drink in his hand and he still needed to finish it. He had been purposely keeping his distance from Amy in hopes that the Karma situation would escalate into something sexual. But now it was apparent that the situation couldn't just progress on his own. How things had failed was beyond him but he did feel a need to help. He tried to dress as soon as he could but Karma arrived in the room before he could even have a chance to go off and look for her.

She began to dress gently. A feeling in the pit of her stomach bothered her greatly. She couldn't tell whether it was guilt or anger or bitterness but it felt like all three.

"What the fuck happened?!" Shane whispered urgently.

"I'm a fucking idiot…" Karma's eyes were all red but her father hadn't really looked close at her so he didn't notice when he fetched her from her room with a booming joyful voice and a merry demeanor.

"Did you tell her?"

"I kissed her."

"So why is she all-"

"I don't know Shane. I don't know... But I wish I hadn't done anything now."

"Karma, no," he whined. "Whatever this is, it's a communication thing, it has to be."

"All I did in there was tell her how much she felt like home."

"Awww… Baby…" He said, pulling her in and forcing her to hug him. She hung in his arms, too exhausted to fight. Karma hadn't been feeling like touching anyone but she loved being touched so much that even Shane could calm her just a little with a touch and a fondness like this.

"Why can't things ever just go right?" She sighed helplessly.

"She's just hard to talk to about real stuff." Shane would know because Shane had tried. The many things he had learned in the year before Karma had been hard to come by, precious jewels for him to fondle and cherish in secret.

"That would really help if I wasn't so sure this was all my fault…"

"Lets just work and calm down and hopefully by the time we're done she'll have thought about everything and realized that whatever you said, it wasn't meant to insult her."

Karma moved her eyes into his sleeve and wiped them.

"Sorry.. I'm a mess," she realized.

"You're beautiful," he said.

"Shut up." She smiled. It was impossible to be mad at him. She had already somehow apologized when this whole thing had been his suggestion.

**Part II**

It was colder outside. The clouds had come in and the swells were actually getting bigger somehow. Up until now there was only that other day out on the deck that had scared her.

Karma walked out onto the deck and felt herself slip and fall back.

"Whoa!" Her father shouted, catching her just barely. She looked up at him and smiled thankfully. He noticed then that her eyes were red and hazy. "You alright cupcake?"

"Yeah dad… Fine," she lied. He helped her up but she walked away from him.

Amy watched off to the side, still fuming. She was angry but she wasn't sure why she was SO angry. What was it that was SO insulting? Karma had been right, after all. They only knew each other for 5 days.

The horn blew and the music started. Curtis threw the hook out and Amy tried to pout in secret but most of the crew noticed how upset she seemed. They just didn't talk about it because it wasn't something anyone could fix. Emotions came in waves for all of them. They all had days like this.

Karma waited awkwardly for the first cage. When it came up it was just as full if not fuller than their very first cage that day. Part of her was happy but the other part couldn't find it in her to care. It was just crab. Just money. She looked over at Amy and noticed how wan her face remained. She was already looking sickly again. Karma had done that though. This had been all her fault.

Not thinking or caring, Karma couldn't wait for the crab to talk to Amy. She couldn't wait a whole shift out like this. It would mean several long hours of ignoring this pain. Karma couldn't do that, not when something else could be done. Not when she knew she could at least try to fix it.

She walked over to Amy and grabbed at her arm lightly.

"Don't!" Amy yelled, surprised by the touch. She turned fast and saw who it was.

"I don't know how you can be mad at me after everything I just told you."

"If I have to explain it to you, you're demented."

"Amy, come on, I can't work like this. I can't be in the same space knowing I caused you to get this upset."

"I'm not upset Karma. Just leave me alone."

"You're not upset?!" Karma snapped. "You're yelling at me but you're not upset?!" She somehow couldn't keep it in.

Karma's Dad noticed them instantly.

"Stop, this is embarrassing," Amy tried to defuse things.

"I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU AND NOW YOU'RE TREATING ME LIKE SHIT!" Karma yelled.

"Karma?" Mr. Ashcroft walked over to her and grabbed at both her shoulders lovingly.

"Stop, Dad!" She yelled, pulling his hands off so that she could better stand and stare at Amy. It had become impossible now to not judge her friend. Karma had called her home. She had kissed her. She had told her how scared she was. Instead of comforting her, Amy became angry. Nothing made sense.

"Baby, come on, go inside now," he said almost sweetly.

"I'M TOO EMOTIONAL, RIGHT?! I DON'T BELONG ON A SHIP?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY?!"

"No Baby, you're just upset, that's okay. These long trips," he paused, yelling over the music but not yelling as forcefully as she had been yelling. "The sea gets to people."

"THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SEA!" Karma yelled back. Her eyes looked between Amy and her Father. The music overhead cut off and the click of the receiver made a screech, causing them all to duck a little on instinct and clutch at their ears with both hands. Once the sound ended they all regained composure.

"Karma, come up here please." Mrs. Ashcroft said. She hadn't heard what had been said on deck but she had seen her daughter yelling. She had seen from all the way up top that Karma was not okay and something had gone wrong.

In the last few moments she had on deck Karma stared coldly back at Amy before rolling her eyes as if to say,_ great. Thanks alot._

All this time, Karma had been trying to be normal and perfect. She had been trying to not say a word, not step a foot out of line. Before Amy, before all these feelings, Karma's only fear had been feeling alone and being sent back to Winnie. Then Amy came along and changed everything. Karma couldn't believe it but Amy had gotten so thoroughly under her skin that Karma had been incapable of letting her just be. She'd throw away this second chance with her parents to win Amy's affection.

The thought of that chilled Karma a little. It sobered her. But only a little.

"Do you need a break?" Mr. Ashcroft asked Amy.

She shook her head no but he could see that she was fighting back tears. The girls were going through teenager years. It was complicated and he knew it well.

Upstairs, Molly put the music back on and waited for Karma. She waited but she couldn't feel comfortable in waiting when her baby had been that upset. Putting the steering on auto she decided to walk down and meet Karma in the changing room. There was so much going on with Karma, so much that she wasn't able to talk about because it had been too soon or too late.

"Sweetie?"

"I'm okay Mom, you don't have to worry."

"What was that out there?"

"We're fighting. I'm an idiot," Karma shrugged with tears both in her eyes and out. She fought at her coveralls angrily and Molly approached, her hands coming up and grabbing the fabric, calming Karma instantly, calming her to a standstill. Molly pulled the coveralls gently down and Karma stepped out of them.

"What were you yelling down there?" The curiosity was too much for Molly. She needed to know.

"It doesn't matter," Karma shuddered.

The problem was, it all mattered. She had been yelling at Amy then but those words were for her mom and dad.

"I was mad at her for being mad at me. It was dumb."

"I haven't seen you yell like that before." _That couldn't possibly be true_, Karma thought. But then she had been away from her mom for an awfully long time. Her mom was right too, she hadn't the time to be disrespectful.

"I havn't been around you enough to feel safe yelling…" The truth was harsh but it was what it was.

"What do you mean?"

"You abandoned me mom. You and dad. You left me." Karm awas holding her body in tight. She didn't want to talk but she did. All the time on the ship she had been holding back, holding onto her bitterness. She had to get it out now. She'd already messed up enough to feel that maybe none of it mattered.

"Honey, we didn't."

"No, you did." Karma said. Sure in how she felt. "You may think it was for my safety but that's not how it felt these past few years. I've been alone. Scared."

"Karma?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"Whatever you feel like honey. I want you to feel comfortable with us." Molly's heart broke just then because she realized that Karma hadn't really felt safe. The words were hitting her hard. She had not anticipated them. She knew something was wrong but Molly could never assume that Karma felt this abandoned.

"I want to say that you hurt me. That's all I want to say."

"Okay," Molly said. She kept her distance though because tot ouch her now would be wrong.

"You and Dad. You don't know what it was like." Karma chocked back sobs. "I was excited to come her because I was so desperate to have you back again. But you left me. You chose to leave me behind."

"We were protecting you sweetie."

"Protecting me FROM WHAT?!" Karma yelled in frustration.

There was a moment in which the two just stood apart and stared at each other. They both saw different things. For once, Karma actually saw the mother who had abandoned her instead of the mother who was her mother.

On the other side of things, Molly saw the daughter she had missed, the daughter she had hurt without meaning to.

"We don't have to talk about this, it's fine," Karma shrugged apathetically.

"Karma, baby, I want to know," Molly urged. There was nothing worse than Karma's silence and Karma's façade. For the longest time Karma had been pretending that nothing was on her mind. Molly knew her daughter. She knew there was more there than what she could possibly see.

"It's too hard Mom. All this time I've just been missing you and waiting! Waiting for you to miss me too. Do you have any idea what that feels like? I'm a child!" Karma sobbed. No one ever wanted to admit that they were a weak or a child or young or feeling in need of someone else to protect them.

"Sweetie… I'm… I'm."

"Don't-" Karma chocked. "You should've thought about this. You should've thought about what it might be like for me back in Austin. You didn't though. You didn't think…"

"Karma-"

"No Mom.. I can't. I have to be mad right now," she said, walking off to her room making sure not to brush her mother's side or her skin.

There was no point in trying to push an understanding onto someone who couldn't see the truth. It hurt more than words can say. It hurt Karma to know that she had to spell it out like this.

Outside on the deck Amy waited for Curtis. She waited and then pulled the pots. Waiting again and then pulled the pots.

Karma had been gone a while. Amy couldn't bring herself to leave. There was her job and then there was Karma.

Amy really needed them both.


End file.
